Wicked Lil Girls
October 25, 2005
I've said in previous posts that with maturity comes a sense of clarity. With clarity comes relief. This sense of relief comes from not having to impress (or pacify) anybody for any reason of frivolity.
I feel comfortable in my own skin and with the decisions I choose to make, in maintaining my sanity. This includes surrounding myself with significant other people.
Gone are the feelings of obligation I felt, to participate in social outings I didn't (and don't) particularly enjoy. I am free to befriend anybody I so choose…or not.
Navigating today's dating labyrinth is something else, but being a young adult woman, attempting to network with other females, outside the circle of which I'm accustomed, is another monster, mired in feline-like competitiveness- (ask former friends, Paris and Nicole).
It seems that, whenever I decide to push open the Gates of Dubious, someone decides, after about a month or so of niceties, to leave a steaming pile of shit on my lawn. Totally blindsiding me for whatever reason. It can't be jealousy, because I don't feel that I am the type of person who would prompt someone to unleash her green-eyed fury on me. I am no one to be threatened by- (unless I’m wronged in some way or my personal property is damaged).
While I'm working on snagging a sure man-keeper to keep my mattress and heart warm, I am not a femme fatale vying for some bastard's attention, nor do I pal around with other women, expecting that I should be the center of attention. I am no other woman's quirky side-kick either. So you can forget that.
I don't go out trolling for men (not flagrantly anyway), I don't spread my legs freely (although at times, I consider the infinite possibilities of doing so, which are not long term, unfortunately). I am not hung up, nor do I judge those who think they're the second coming of Samantha Jones.
I hang out to have a great time hoping to partake in girl-speak. Perhaps, these are the primary reasons why I can't seem foster additional friendships to fruition. I expect the same type of divertissement I have with my best friend. Stress free, fun, quasi-snobby-(I like laid back, artsy places, with hip, contemporary décor… sue me)- yet no frills. I don't expect any competition and no drama. Gee, what the hell am I thinking, looking forward to all of that??
Alas, recent experiences have prompted me to shut the gates, padlocking them.
Deciphering the flakiness that seem to permeate female associations transports me to a time and place I worked hard to overcome and forget… Middle and High schools.
These awkward years for any young, fledgling woman are no fun. They're exhausting. I, for one, could not wait to graduate and get the hell away from the friendships that were, seemingly, predicated on shallow bullshit.
College was a little - (And just that. A little.)- more forgiving of my contrarieties- (considering the rural, Midwestern locale).
This is where I sharpened the frequency on my radar. Where I learned how to gauge just how genuine the brief friendships I established, weren't.
As distressing as college was, I learned some profound lessons about platonic female relationships, before bailing. Sometimes they suck (screw those and move on) and sometimes they don't (nurture these and grow with them). In choosing to do the latter, the constant that still remains today, is the triumvirate of young women, who make up my small circle of friends. Cat, of course, being at the top of the pecking order.
Even after the ignorance of small town America ran its course with my patience, I would come away from there, having befriended the most trustworthy individual (outside of my immediate family).
My best friend is someone I can tell anything to without having to worry about her stopping me mid-sentence, to point out some visible flaw.
We laugh, we compliment, we celebrate our flaws, we speak openly about flatulence. When Cat relayed to me, that she freely farted up the streets of Paris, I found the humor (and relief that it was okay for girls to pass gas outside the confines of their privacy)- in learning that tidbit. I refused to belittle her for it.
We curse, we drink, we bitch, we insult one another good-naturedly. More importantly, we are genuine in our friendship.
Friends without motives toward each other. Never competing over men, clothes (as if I could squeeze into Cat's wardrobe), intellect, anything!
We're comfortable in our respective skins and, therefore, have no need to be competitive. We're different and are respectful in realizing that we are.
Every now and again, I'll ask Cat to recant the story of when she was a little girl, a set of twins she used to play with, smacked her once apiece, when they discovered her father wasn't home to give them any candy. A sweet treat he'd frequently heap on neighboring children. Needless to say, this story illustrates how feline tendencies lurk in us women at even a young age. How we channel that negative energy as adult women, is up to us.
Having solid friendships with other women is important to me, as I'm sure it is to other women. If it's not, it should be. We don't give each other enough credit.
I can't even begin to count how many fair-weather acquaintances Cat and I have amassed between the two of us. A heaping pile of soft girl parts… all lacking those traits which are essential to successful female friendships; poise, self assuredness, and the need not to kitty-pick at the one trying, in vain, to extend a manicured hand in friendship.
Some women deem it necessary to be wickedly catty, purring in saccharine tones, so as not to make it obvious. They are insecure about themselves and will study the girl sitting across from them, to see if they share any visible insecurities or defects.
I have had to sit through awkward moments, one instance finding me in the middle of relaying a story of some sort and having some chick cut me off, to point out a zit coagulating somewhere on my face… because she thought "I'd just like to know that."
Pretending to have my best interests at heart. Me? I stare, dumbfounded and amazed as I note the many pustules bubbling up all over her visage.
I sat through mediocre conversations. Listening to various wenches drone on about how desirable they think they are, their sexual prowess, or how many guys have crushes on them. While all I want to do is talk about the drink list in front of us or simply catch up.
One so called friend, felt it crucial to give me unsolicited advice to put my tits up and out, taking care to be overtly sexual and damsel-esque in my approach. Opining that this would probably solve my dateless status. Whatever, Insecure Inga.
Try carrying on a discussion, where you think you're simply sharing stories, only to get cut off rather loudly and prodded into a game of one-ups, bitch style.
Initially, I convinced myself that my quasi-snobbery was the reason why I felt uneasy being in this kind female company.
Was I being exclusive, because I felt most comfortable swathed within the cushioney confines of my close-knit friendships? Probably. In my defense, the contrast between the true-blue and the superficial is stark. Don’t blame for for liking substance. I guess I just don't have any tolerance for tripe. When I meet up with my best friend, I feel rejuvenated, not stressed out and ready to head for the hills. We chatter animatedly, catching up on this and that, doubling over with peels of laughter as we swap yummy gossip. As it should be.
Look, the only person I compete with, is myself. While I do accept responsibility for my part- (I don't have the patience or the inclination to placate someone's bullshit)- in these frivolous associations, I refuse to feel bad about it. Not anymore.
One thing I will not accept are anymore applications for trifling friendships. Particularly from the wishy-washy lot. Love it, because I refuse to change, just to make someone else feel superior.
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6 comments
"One so called friend, felt it crucial to give me unsolicited advice to put my tits up and out, taking care to be overtly sexual and damsel-esque in my approach"
This will change something, probably not in a good way though.
Ummm, I compete with you all the time, beech! hahahahaha Errr, was it totally necessary to mention I "farted up" the mean streets of gyey Paris? Funny them damn stories or me with some ol' pasty lipped pose magically pop up on this damn blog!!! hahahahahahahahahah It has taken me years to find a person like you to call my best friend. I figure it's always going to be hard for us because when you find someone who accepts you as you are and wants good things for you WITHOUT being a jealous wench that it takes a long time to find other people that can stand the test of true friendship.
...Cat, and the streets of Paris will never be the same again!
Amadeo, It will change something for one night. I'm looking for the long haul. When I find HIM, I will put my tits up for him.
Oliviasmommi, it's a trip, and you're welcome. Women need to get a grip. My job is predominantly female as well... yikes.
oh, i am back, and what a good post, straight for dessert.
thank you for pointing this all out for people who feel the same. i subscribe and am glad to see that obviously not all American women are alike.
good to know that....ahh.
you know, the worst thing about LA is that it seems particularly difficult for me to find a friend. and what is a friend? i mean, a female friend? someone i am looking forward to seeing, that makes me happy just to see her and a friend is someone i ENJOY being superficial with at times, just because i know that there is substance and thats not all that is there to our friendship you know?
yeah you do
and guess who happens to be the only girl i consider to be probably the one who is going to become a good friend of mine over the course of the year i ll be here? a girl from Albania. hm. and Jean, that girl from wisconsin is FUN but she is shallow as well. sorry but true. and she smokes too much pot.
well, you know, coffeey, i miss berlin and europe not only because of berlin being as it is but because i connected there. my best friends are living there, and although usually one can only count a few persons as real friends i can say without a doubt that i have around 6 to 8 people there that i can genuinly and doubtlessly call true friends.
ain't that beautiful?
but maybe, i figured, i finally will be able to actually stay in a loverelationship here, if i find one, because i am not so destracted by caring and loving my friends here and because i don't get as much love from my friends here as back home.
you know i thought maybe because i am so lucky with friendships i am so unlucky with loverelationships because that would be sort of fair and a balance in itself...
oh well well...
i wish you all the luck you deserve with finding him, it hits you hard when you expect it least, we all know that and can't wait for it in the same time, lol...
i am happy you have cat and the other girls and i am happy that i can read you.
i wish one day we could drink either a real goood coffee together (yeah, thats something i miss terribly too, fuck starbucks and the likes) or a good wine, i know you got the taste.....
one love darling! (may i call you that? i am just overflowing right now with love for you, just like that, *chuckle*, it s because i am so glad i know that you are a genuine loving person. wow)
piranha
to find a friend is friend indee to be a friend is a friend with needs .afriend is someone that could see when you can,t see a frined is the one who speak when you woun,t speak a friend is the one who hears when you won,t hear a friend is allways near and dear.in your journey that we call life ist great toknow you can take this fight so keep you friend colsely my dear even if it just one .at least it,s real so don,t ever change you be you.and true and your friend will too.
Pirahna! Good to see you back!
Being away from 'your peeps' and being faced with having to meet new people outside the realm of your comfort zone can be a pain. It's like that first week of school... new faces... standing in the midst of the cafeteria trying to figure out where to sit. It's exhausting... particularly when you just don't mesh well with someone, yet you're trying so hard to.
Anyway, Cat is the best friend anyone could have. Your conclusion about having a best friend = not having a lover yet is interesting. Hmm... this would explain a lot I suppose. hahahahaha
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