Coffee Rhetoric: hygiene
Showing posts with label hygiene. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hygiene. Show all posts

April 08, 2008

In Which Coffey Learns

During these stuffy sinused, work filled and busy days, I've finally had the opportunity to reflect on conversations heard whle out and circumstances I've run across. I've been taken to school, if you will. Inadvertent lessons taught to moi. As my ears pop and my nasal passages clear up, I'm suddenly awash in a brilliant sea of clarity. I've realized, in this current cult of personality, that people will simply continue to be themselves in all their loud, stank, uncouth glory. Bad, ugly, unhygenic, and overwhelmingly raunch. This much I know is true. I realize that people have no qualms about boarding the bus, early in the AM, taking their seat, and then breathing heavily... their breath reeking of jungle rot or hot garbage on a particularly humid day. I can sit here and ask the universe whether it's too much to ask or wish for certain people to floss, brush or scrape their tongue, gargle and take it to the back, perhaps pop a mint before venturing out into the world... But why bother? The answer is yes, it is too much to ask. And so I suffer silently. Fate decreed that this is the cross I must bear sans questions. I also learned while en route to the mall (on the bus of course)- this past Saturday, that a young Hispanic lass I'll call Romeo (all of maybe 16 years old) was headed in my direction to meet Lissette. Lissette, apparently, was going to meet Romeo at the mall, so that he could "fuck her." ... "Yeah," proclaims Romeo to his buddy, "Lissette's gonna meet me there so I can fuck her." To which his friend replied with a spitty chuckle/chortle combo. Ahhh, I learn something new every single day. Is this what young people do now? Do they have trysts at the mall?? Whatever happened to sitting in the dark, at the back of the theater? Or going to the park after dusk? Folks our future depends on these very same young people. In which case, I'd rather not be cryogenically frozen. I'll just go head and rot. I also learned that a mall is NOT the place to be on a Saturday afternoon, with a sinus infection. It was hot, it was extremely crowded, and I couldn't concentrate for I found myself wondering about Romeo and Lissette. I didn't want to run into them in some sort of compromising position. Speaking of young people, I also learned that in their quest for fame, they like to videotape themselves beating the living daylights out of some poor unsuspecting victim, in hopes of uploading it on YouTube. Yup, don't freeze me, just burn me and throw my ashes in the nearest ocean. Life's little lessons can be a bit overwhelming when swallowed whole sometimes. Now pardon me while I go wait for my food to digest ...

December 20, 2007


Whine, whine, whine, whinge, whine. So I'm afflicted with a horrible sinus/head cold. I woke up with sore joints, my head felt too large and heavy for my voluptuous body, my sinuses were on fire, etc etc etc. I felt like I was in a horrible, dark haze of pain and suffering and couldn't claw my way from the depths of it. Finally I forced myself up and at 'em, whincing from the effort. I haven't been sick with a cold in a looong time. I love the babies, but I suspect being around them as often as I have been, has made me a host to their cold germs, unfortunately. I've been coughed, hacked, and sneezed upon. Unfortch toddlers and 8 month olds know fuckall about covering their mouths and lathering up with hand sanitizer. Having made it past the first hurdle: getting up and shuffling to the loo, I couldn't be bothered with coffee, so I made some vanilla-ginger-chai tea with a generous helping of honey and French brandy. Mango nectar, lots of water, and Airborne coupled with hot miso soup just wasn't cutting it... so after I wrapped up an excruciating job interview (excruciating, because my ass was sick and sniffling through the whole process, and I know my breath reeked of mentholated cough drops), I ambled on over to CVS Pharmacy to stock up on some major drugs. Intense sinus relief nasal gel by Zicam and some REAL sinus medication... the kind the drugstores hoard behind the counter, and you can only purchase with a valid picture ID, because it contains Pseudoephedrine HCI... and since it's used to make meth and is considered a narcotic. "At least your puff ball (piled and pinned on top of my head) is perfectly round" opines my younger sister. In addition to my horrible cold, I'm also a victim of pre-menstrual bloat, my bra feels ten sizes too small and is digging into my flesh, the dirty pillows are sore and swollen and I'm extremely gassy. Ah. The joys of being made a special lady once a month. So toss in some Maximum Strength Pamprin into that crazy pill stew and expect me to be extremely hopped up and lucid this fine evening and subsequent day. Oh yes, despite my possibly contaminating the staff's board room in which I was interviewed in, I was propositioned by the CEO, who made me a lucrative job offer. I sniffed and accepted. ;-)

October 17, 2007

Le John

Dear Cat,
I know you've been back home from your two week, work related jaunt to India for a minute, but I just want to welcome you back again. I enjoyed hearing about your sweet and sour experiences in Sri Lanka and various other places around India. While I found some of your calamities amusing and in essence poked you with a stick (so to speak), exacerbating your dismay, I begin to mull over your troubling encounters with India's toilets. When you said that many of them left much to be desired and others reeked of centuries old piss, your description of there being no toilet paper, but a hose and some "measuring cup" looking thing in its place, I must admit-- many unsavory visuals flashed and danced around in my sick head! I mean, I'm glad you didn't touch the hose. The thought of someone's pissy, dookey hands fidgeting with a hose & cup 'round their delicates and naughty bits, thereby tainting the hose, leads me to believe that said tools are ridden with all sorts of bacteria and germs. You had no clue what the cup was supposed to be used for and so you were smart and opted to pat down your delicates with the pack of kleenex you keep in your purse. Cheers and way to go with that! Smart. But I was still left to ponder how a traditional Indian toilet works, and so I took it upon myself to do some online research... and found this blog, with a picture of this diagram==> I'm guessing the idea is to use the hose to rinse down the ass and delicates after business is accomplished, and to use the measuring cup thing to douse one's business with water. I assume this makes the bits cleaner rather than using simple toilet tissue. Terrence Howard would definitely approve! Anyway, what is familiar to many cultures, makes those of us from the West bumble along and stew in a pot of ignoramus soup... I think I'll stick to tissue and Summer's Eve feminine wipes. Ignorance is indeed bliss during these circumstances. Enjoy!
Bisous Coffey

September 29, 2007

Chocolate Desire

I tout the splendiferous wonders of chocolate as often as I can. In all its various forms (except for white), its richness has the capacity to make knees buckle. It's comparable to sex, if not slightly better, depending on the season-- (but thats debatable). In any event, I always joke that if it weren't so messy, I'd bathe in chocolate. I actually would. Much to my enjoyment, I've recently found a way to indulge my weird fetish for the stuff. It comes in the form of a decadent bar of soap called: Ivorian Cocoa Butter Soap made by the black owned distributor, Nubian Heritage-- (they have a great line of naturally made products by the way, and can be picked up at most beauty supply stores). This soap has a lot of wonderful moisturizing properties, the more important ones or ONE however, are/is milk chocolate and shaved hazelnuts (for exfoliating purposes). I can't begin to describe how sexy it is to bathe with this bar. In the mornings, the warm steam emanating from the shower smells of hot chocolate or warm chocolate milk. I'll just let my chocolaty post-bath water illustrate a telling portrait. Gives new meaning to a man daring to drink some woman's bath water to prove his devotion, no? Has any man actually done that? Contact me if you have! ;-)

September 12, 2007

I Dig

Dear Terrence Howard,
I'm a stickler for proper hygiene habits and so make sure to warsh my delicates as clean as a whistle. Because my neuroses (particularly in regards to hygienics) know no bounds and grows wild like unsightly pubic hair, on a weekly basis, I completely understood where you were coming from when you recently ranted about the importance of cleanliness:
"Do I think we need to readdress how we clean ourselves? Yeah. It took a long time for soap to catch on. Now everyone uses soap. So let's be a little more clean, you guys. Let's not be germophobic, but let's be clean when we can."
I do think you had people (women especially) perplexed and scratching their heads when you went on this rant just prior to the aforementioned one, during an Elle Magazine interview, however, discussing what particular female habits turn you off:
"Toilet paper - and no baby wipes - in the bathroom. If they're using dry paper, they aren't washing all of themselves. It's just unclean. So if I go in a woman's house and see the toilet paper there, I'll explain this. And if she doesn't make the adjustment to baby wipes, I'll know she's not completely clean."
and then during another recent press junket, you spoke about your fear of Serbian drive-bys. Go figure. Anyway Terrence, I think baby wipes just don't cut it as an efficient way for women (or men) to freshen up their delicates. They work wonders for babies, as a gentle alternative to wiping off eye makeup, and to freshen up your face on the go. But there are even better ways for us to "wash all of ourselves." Summer's Eve has these great and very convenient feminine cleansing cloths. They also carry a line of body washes, talcum powder, feminine deodorant spray, and hygienic products of the like. Terrence if you don't see baby wipes in a woman's bathroom upon your initial perusal, don't despair. Just know that there are other ways a woman may be maintaining her delicates. Perhaps she uses a simple wash cloth and a bar of Dove to make sure she's fresh and clean for you. I do think men could benefit from freshening up as well. Stale urine, pre-cum, and sweat does not a sexy smell make. And quite frankly, some men can be quite gamy and potent, and that is a turn off for many of us women. I do agree that the general populace needs to readdress the issue of cleanliness and how we maintain ourselves. There is nothing worse than someone thinking they're doing the environment a favor, by choosing not to wear deodorant. I actually think smelling bad on purpose (and with purpose) is inconsiderate and rude. We have so many wonderful products at our disposal (many of which are environmentally friendly), there's no reason for it really. Dental hygiene is another issue that needs to be readdressed as well. Flossing and gargling with mouth wash has never killed anyone. Terrence, I know the gossip blogs have deemed you off your rocker and christened you Terrence "baby wipes" Howard, among other names... but I saw past the rest of your unintelligible rant, and realized the meat of your argument: Cleanliness is indeed, a divine and noble concept! Get in touch with me, and let's talk about it some more.