Bearded Lady

I hate body hair. I've been an avid shaver since the age of 12 and use depilatories and creams (provided they're safe, hypoallergenic, and wont skin me alive). I don't get hair on my legs but I shave the imaginary ones I know are there anyway. The only visible hair I acknowledge is the thick, coarse mass on my head. Luckily I'm not a woman who requires electrolysis, monthly bikini waxes, and who needs to shave her chin. I think my complex about body hair developed during my middle-school years.
Whilst taking a pre-pool shower before the required swim class I resented in the most violent of ways- (we had to get suited up and then rinse off, in a communal shower- any body lotions perfuming our persons, before diving in the pool, so as not to get residue in the water)- I happened to look to my immediate left at one of the more popular girls in my class, rinsing off and talking animatedly to her friends while they waited to walk with her to the swimming pool. She wasn't addressing me at all. She didn't even look in my direction but that didn't stop me from looking in hers, to listen to whatever superficial rant she was rambling on about. I hate myself terribly because I also happened to look down. In the Netherlands, I noticed she had a thick, black, coarse Chia Pet growing out the sides of her green one-piece. The beast couldn't be contained, and so it snaked it's way from each side... mocking me. I was horrified. I averted my eyes quickly and scurried to the pool. Needless to say, that experience scarred me. I rushed home right after school, found a men's Bic razor in the medicine cabinet, and shaved my delicates, arm pits, legs, you name it, I shaved it off. I shaved it off and never looked back. I shaved with passion unbridled.
Fortunately I have minimal amounts of body hair and shave the ones that sprout up a couple times a week. As far liking men with massive amounts of body hair and unruly beards, I prefer long, unkempt beards and hairy backs. That being said, I met a good male friend of mine for a drink a few days ago (his treat). My dear friend. Attractive, well dressed, with a keen fashion sense. My friend of the nice light brown skin (a result of Italy intermingling with Africa). I feel confident relaying this story because I know the likelihood of him reading it is... well... not very likely as he's not technologically savvy nor does he have access to the internet and rarely ever web surfs (knocking on wood). My dear, attractive sweet friend. Whom I've known for a spell and who I always suspected was closeted behind thick winter sweaters, coats, button downs, shoes, and summer apparel. Tucked waaaay in the back behind the "in case I run out of laundry" wear. His choice. His demons to slay. I stand behind him regardless. I just would like to see him happy. I'm a huge supporter of his (prospective) brethren. They make my heart dance and sing. I understand why they choose the rainbow as their symbol. I'm a self-described hag and think it's important for people to be themselves and not hide what they can't help being. I keep my mouth shut regarding such matters, because it's not my place to dictate to someone when they should be themselves. Anyway, my dear friend seemed rather flirty and touchy-feely... leaving me flummoxed. He threw me off even further by relaying an erotic dream he had about me. Despite my confusion, I responded the way any mature adult would. ... "EWWWWWWW!!!!! UUUUGHHHHH!!!"
"You weren't saying that in the dream." He said, coyly.
I clasped his hand in one of mine and used my other to pat his, platonically and friendlike and then quickly changed the subject. I turn 30 in a matter of days. Lately, I've been singing the praises of singledom. I enjoy my solitude more and more and appreciate it for what it is. That being said, I'm not dead nor am I desperate. I don't want to live out the rest of my single days playing a beard. It's not a lifestyle I envisioned for myself and it'd make for a pretty inactive and boring sex life, no? That charade would also be murder on my drain pipes and a bitch to sweep up, as it'd grow wilder and more bedraggled... becoming evermore out of control and hard to manage, that not even Nair or Epilady would be able to contain it.


Anonymous said...

the comparison to chia pet was hilarious! i used to have one of those. and by that i mean the ACTUAL chia pet.

it's sunny and warm in london. didn't think it'd get any better. you made my day.

keep shaving!

Anonymous said...

Nice transition from body hair to being a beard for a dear friend...well done, indeed! Personally, I'm rather furry, but I suppose the older I get the more I realize I take care of myself and maintain the fur nicely with depilatories and razors so until I can afford electrolysis on the regular, whatever. We've all got something we don't like about ourselves so instead of focusing on the negative I luxuriate in the idea that overall I'm pretty damn sexy and hell, it's certainly never deterred any man worth playing naked with so why worry about it?

As for "the beard" part, I remember in college there was some fool who thought he'd be doing me a favor to let me be the first girl he'd dated after a series of dating rather annoying men. I quickly told him that I had no problems with him being gay so he should stop having a problem with it as well. So often we try to protect ourselves from society's glare by doing what "normal people" do. Eff that! Let it be! We are ALL freaks and should be proudly waving our freak flags. Nothing's ever quite what it seems so we have to spend more time focusing on being happy and productive rather than how to please people who clearly don't know who we are or give a damn about us.

- Cat

TiffJ said...

@MissW: I'm so glad I was able to make your day that much more enjoyable! I sorta wish I were in London right now! Enjoy the sun! ;-)

@Cat: I'm glad you appreciate your "furriness" for what it is and yourself for who you are. It's great that you've had no issues with men having a problem with your grooming habits. They shouldn't anyway and most don't tend to when they're trying to get laid. But the post was MORE about not wanting to be a beard and less about having body hair or a lack thereof. It wasn't a dig against women who choose not to shave completely or not liking your good attributes. I figured it was a clever anecdote to lead into the heart of not wanting to be someone's beard. ;-)
Also, bearding someone may work for some women, but it definitely does not for me, and I'm 110% certain not for YOU. The nerve of that guy asking you to be his last resort! hahaha.

P.S. Who was it? ;-)