Dating is tricky bidness. Courtship of the ages is officially distinct. No more chivalry. No more effort. The earnest and conscientious ways of wooing is non plus. But give me time, I've taken on the task of single-handedly trying to resurrect this mode of behaviour from the dead. The adagio dance men and women engaged in is a thing of the past unfortunately. I bid you adieu with a sigh... for now. Amatory pursuit has become a lucrative business. Guerilla dating practices saturate our television and our day-to-day lives via dating websites and ridiculous reality shows a la "Blind Date," "The Bachelor," "The Bachelorette" and VH1's "Kept." Hooking up is dating for the new millenium, Hooking up or finding a spouse to marry, immediately, regardless of whether you know the person or whether you're in love. The act of marrying someone seemingly carries no merit anymore. People get married in Vegas for fun and then file for an annulment the next day, because they realized they made a mistake. Or because they were dared to do so. People can't even be bothered with getting to know a person first before they bed them or become betrothed. Love's slow evolution is practically gone, only to be replaced by a cynical society who would rather go to speed-dating events expecting to meet their soulmates, only to be disappointed. I've tried speed-dating folks- (actually I was bribed into it via a free drink. Whilst in NYC a couple of years ago, I happened upon a bar called Madame X in Greenwhich Village, because I had to piss like a race horse, only to be accosted by the event organizers, who were short on women.)- Needless to say it sucked. Speed-dating is the equivalent of ordering fast food through the drive through, pulling up to the next stop, paying for your meal, and then finding the pickles missing on your burger. Not pleasant. It's a horrible interview, where you sit down at a table with a pad, ask some bloke a series of questions, get disappointing answers, and then someone rings a bell after like 8 minutes and you switch, plopping down at a table for the next horrible round. You go through about 10 men in less than 45 minutes. It felt cheap and tawdry. These new dating practices have encouraged men (and some women) to act as predators, looking to screw for the night or find a mate without being bothered with the particulars. It has become a desperate scramble. Anytime a man goes on Craigslist- of all places to find a date- soliciting women to be his wife, and not having any tolerance for "women who aren't serious about getting married and relocating" You know you've reached the depths of dating despair. I grew up in an age where "going together" was le terme du moment and it actually meant something, when you were 'going with someone.' If only for a mere school year. As a young, wide-eyed girl, coming of age in the 80's, I witnessed young B-boys rapping to 'round the way girls... their backs pressed up against the wall of some hallway or tenement, looking slightly interested, as these dudes whispered sweet, bullshit laden nothings into their ears. Yes these dudes were trying in vain, to get into the pants (or at least to second base) of the sweetest chica on the block, but at least he put forth the effort to woo. Guys today are rude, crude, and just plain lewd, in their poontang pursuits. I will be the first to admit that some types of women help perpetuate the salacious rights men think they're due, which makes is difficult for those of us who want to be wooed accordingly, as we try to navigate the dating scene. Relationship books, whether they be written by men or women, seemingly cater to the folie de grandeur of men, who already walk around like they're the buffalo's shit. The advice dictates to women, how not to act, in order to placate some jerk. They list these ridiculous rules of dating. These rules make trying to find a decent guy to date, into a virtual board game. Don't show your intellect, or it will turn him off, If you don't downcast your eyes just so and look up again, take a step back and roll the dice again. Wear a plunging neckline to turn him on, Bat your eyelashes to puntuate your femininity, Give yourself 2 additional points if you wore your spiked Manolo pumps, Give him two weeks before he calls... ENOUGH. I wish these stupid dating books would just tell women to be themselves. period. Alas, trying to maneuver around the same, lame ass, bullshit has left me feeling like a distorted Valentine. I've pretty much given up, but not in vain. I have happily extricated myself from the market and will tell any jerkoff, ready with a pickup line, to put away the meat he's selling, because I'm not buying. I will say it with derring-do, with pride... not giving any credence as to who likes or dislikes it. Having reached this realization, I've come up with a few helpful suggestions for men, so they can mollify us for a change. A few helpful hints for those of you who walk around like you're hot, when it's really just the air you're blowing. That particular brand of breeze may work on some vapid bimbo who wont struggle in your web, but not for the woman who is comfortable in her own skin and has her schtuff together. Please observe the following objectively and woo accordingly... *Don't bitch and whine about your being in dire financial straits on the first date, or how much you hate your job. Most women are not golddiggers, but we don't want to hear that you owe the IRS exorbitant amounts of money either. It's off putting. In fact, don't bitch and moan on the first date, period. It makes for a bad first impression. No one wants to date Danny Downer. Make out with, maybe... depending on alcohol consumption replete with feelings of regret the next morning, but not date seriously. Which brings me to my next tip... *Ask a woman about herself. Don't drone on and on about your job, your new car, your previous conquests, the account you landed that led to your promotion, etc. Men accuse women of talking alot, but some of you can monopolize a conversation like nobody's business. Ask a woman about HER and HER job and interests. It's not all about YOU. A decent conversation is like a good volleyball match. It's a reciprocal thing. back and forth, back and forth... *Respect and acknowledge a woman's intellect. Don't go on some macho kick and order her meal for her when she gets up to go to the restroom, ask her what her preferences are, first. Don't act like you know everything there is to know about life. Don't give her unsolicited advise about personal matters. I find that sometimes the moment a woman with moxy opens her mouth articulately and with aplomb, some men are left speechless. In some instances, they feel threatened and run in the opposite direction, because they expected the woman to dumb herself down. Any man who expects a dumb damsel is insecure and is looking to subjugate a woman, in which case, pick the wrong chick and she will obliterate you. A confident man welcomes the challenge of an intelligent woman with her own opinions, and will go toe to toe with her and love it. And women, showing your intellect does not mean be cold, belligerent and emasculating. *Check your egos at the door. It's okay to exude confidence, but out and out cockiness is telling. It tells that you're either gay or insecure. Most women don't give a fuck about your six-pack, how often you work out, or how good looking you think you are. Narcissism is a turn off and qualifies you for a prescription for meds. *Don't string women along. If you're on a first date, and find that you aren't attracted to her in any way, shape, or form, don't ask for our phone numbers and then swear on your grandmother that you'll call. In fact, don't call, ask her out, and then hem and haw the night of... trying to cancel with empty promises of getting together some other time... like you're doing us a favor. Simply part ways amicably if you aren't into her, tell her it was nice meeting her, and move on. Those of us who're self-assured are OK with rejection. Hey, the feeling just may be mutual. *Understand that when a woman says, no... or I'm not interested... that you should sod off silently and cut your loss. Don't fire back with "Fuck you bitch, you're not all that anyway!" Once again... the insecurity thing... it shows when you do this. And it's indicative of the fact that you don't handle rejection well and that you probably have a small, thumbsized member. *Offering to buy a woman a drink does not guarantee you any rights. Buy the drink because you just want to be nice... with no expectations... if you can't do this, then don't offer to buy a woman a drink... just as simple as that. *Actually be single when you ask a woman out on a date. *Don't be a habitual pot smoker or crack user for that matter. If you can't go two minutes without sucking on some joint then you may be a prime candidate for rehab. Also, crack is in fact whack, as Whitney Houston so eloquently put it. No one wants to date Tyrone Biggums. It's just baggage we don't want to contend with. *If you're a white male, and you find the black woman at the end of the bar attractive, approach her as you would any other woman. Don't go up to her and ask her if she has seen "Lumumba" or "Hotel Rwanda." Don't overindulge her in what I refer to as "black talk." Don't change the inflection in your speech, don't keep repeating how much you "love Black women" and then tick off how many you've bedded or dated, and definitely don't say that she's a "cultural anomaly" because she's well spoken, well-rounded in her interests, and cultured. Be yourselves. If you want to indulge some sick fetish, go check the back pages of your local alternative rag. *Please, PLEASE, PLLLLEASE... refrain from talking about your ex-girlfriend or wife ad nauseum. She was a bitch, she sucks, she is this, she did that, all she cared about is money, her new beau is a bastard, she ruined my life, she she she she... No wonder she dumped your ass. A mere sympton of Danny Downer Syndrome. Do yourself (and us) a favor and go see a shrink instead of going on a date. *Don't start talking about looking for a wife to bear your offspring. Women dislike hearing this on the first few dates almost as much as you men do. Just don't be a freakin' douchebag. Deposit your baggage at the hardknock dump and not on our shoulders. We have enough to worry about as it is. Scrap any rules you've read and memorized, we aren't from Venus and you are cerntainly not from Mars, we're from planet Earth and the man who wrote that obnoxious book is a fraud. Also, stop with this sense of entitlement, and get back to wooing in accordance. Aretha sang about it, in hopes that men would be about it, in their approach.