August 10, 2005
I've been feeling somewhat dark, as of late. Brooding and especially irritated. My derring-do has prompted me to be overtly hostile in my opinions when talking about current events and such. Not insulting... just unusually aggressive. For instance, some of my staff members read my letter I wrote to the editor, in a popular local publication. Most people agreed whole-heartedly that there's this stereotype associated with people who live in urban areas... other people, well I think they were offended. As I walked through the staff kitchen, I got a couple of dry, "wow, you didn't mince words" comments and a couple of carefully worded "it's a little scathing" comments. My response bordered on a hostile, "Well, that was my intention!" and "Well, when people hold mirrors up to offenders, offenders become, well, offended."
Initially I chalked it up to the stresses of work and trying to maintain my livelihood (I'm trying desperately to keep my head above water)- but that can't be it. The stresses of "the real world" bother me no more than usual. Then I decided it had to be PMS... I don't know. I doubt this as well.
I think the state of the world, how people are around me, ignorance prompting people to skip around blissfully at the notion... I think this is it.
I don't know... I just feel blah. I'm confused, I'm conflicted, I'm a little... angry and I can't finger why.
I find that I have to force myself to act out in my usual mocking, antagonistic manner towards my co-workers and family. This is usually a no-brainer for me. I have a quick barb on the ready. It's all in light-hearted fun... but this past week, I've had to force it out of me.
I don't really want to go out. I stay home, I read voraciously and I water my plants obsessively. My lavender plant is begging for a reprieve... she's drowning.
I'm not depressed. I haven't become agoraphobic.
This sudden wave of melancholy and frustration washes over me at different intervals, throughout the day.
I've tried deferring to my alternate self... to no avail.
I don't know... I'm trying... to... hang... on... by... the ... tips...
of... my..
fingers.
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4 comments
I've had the same feeling...hence Anhedonia...however I find it helps when I have a purpose that I can work towards...something greater than me.
Thanks for the suggestion...
I hate feeling downcast. It's a drag.
Focusing on a task (particularly a creative NON-work related one) can be helpful.
yes definetly. and it s so easy to get out of it but the question is always how and why we don t. maybe it s good to be down in the valley at times.
and are you sure it wasn t PMS after all? I hate blaming stuff on PMS but too often it is unfortunately the case....
you know...my mom always told me about those native tribe ladies who had the chance to draw back and gather herbs and meditate and do artwork or whatever felt good for their souls. i bet there were nice rituals to make it all meaning ful and good and stuff.
and I hate that our system doesn tallow for natural cycles, ups and downs. you always have to be there, tough, tidy, great, wonderful. fuck yah!
love to you!
piranha
I thought your article in the Advocate was on point. It's funny because I always said that folks from the "Burbs" always seem to come into the city and go the concerts, plays etc., but on the same note say how afraid they are to walk down the avenue or any streets in Hartford. They have no problems with coming here partying and littering, but then go back to the Burbs like everything's fine and dandy. Most of the folks that were negative towards your article are the ones who do exactly that. They complain and pretend they're so afraid, but the come here to work, go to functions and party. The next time someone makes a comment about the city I would just simply say, "I'm more afraid of the Burbs than the open city. At least you won't find any chopped bodies in anyone's freezer." A while back a woman that worked with me mentioned that she would never drive down the "Avenue" in the city and I said, I would never drive through the suburbs at night. She asked why and I said "I'm afraid I may get chopped into tiny pieces for someone's dinner and no one will every know about it." So you're article touched on the truth and we all know that - they can't handle the truth!
- Cocodimples
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