Who Am I...

It has been a number of days. I've been busy and fatigued. During this time, I've pored over a number of things , primarily... the differences between Miss Jones and Coffey... what this blog does for me and my psyche... how it liberates me and why I am conflicted over whether to dismantle it altogether or to continue airing specific loads of my dirty laundry, out to dry. I know that family, close personal friends, and some colleagues read about the personal details of my life. I've been talked about, written about, disagreed with, discovered, judged, and questioned. My mother deemed me an "exhibitionist" once, because of the nature of the pictures I post. Risks I've risked, by choosing to have this very public forum, but I agonize over that. I've come to realize that Coffee Rhetoric allows me a certain carte blanche...when I'm writing as Coffey, that I wouldn't have the gumption to project in real life. In real life, I deadpan, I'm introspective, I'm funny, I'm quiet, I'm aloof, I'm moody, I'm sexual, I'm antagonistic, and I'm the quintessential shit talker... I consider myself a direct, to the point, extremely honest, and more importantly, a genuine person... but during certain situations, I am painfully shy. Every story, feeling, all my thoughts that I relay here are indeed, true... but when I'm writing as Coffey, there is a certain level of audaciousness that is unbridled. I welcome it with open arms. This online persona frees me... it allows me to exist in a different realm, as a goddess. Some people work painstakingly at their online blog personalities... They have a gimmick and a schtick that works for them... They attain a certain level of fame. When I do this... when I spill open here about certain things, that is me hiding behind a certain level of anonymity (despite the pictures), expressing myself... and coming to grips with who I am. I don't hope to be famous, I don't hope to be love and adored. That... that's real. When I purge... I am in the moment. I am wanton. I am uncensored. I am truer than ever. It's almost orgasmic. But I don't discuss it, when I'm Miss Jones. When someone who knows me personally, has read an entry and mentions it, I change the subject... I don't want to have this discourse about it, I don't want to laugh about it, I don't want to be the life of the party because I happen to have a semi-popular blog... It is this weird dichotomy... Coffey vs. Miss Jones... that somehow works for me. I am always in awe by the people who read and comment... and above all else, appreciative. It makes doing this significant and worthwhile. Despite me declaring that I don't care whether Coffee Rhetoric is widely read or not, I am in awe... and I appreciate the fact that anybody takes minutes, hours, seconds out of their day, to read about me agonizing and lamenting over being lovelorn, broke, unhappy, dark, content, exasperated, sad, or what have you and offer their feedback. ... I am still overwhelmed and humbled, after all this time, by this thing called blogging and I look forward to bringing it, even further. I wont change a thing... I won't be gratuitous for the sake of "blog ratings"... I will continue to be Coffey in hopes of saturating... getting to the root of Miss Jones... on an even deeper level. That process involves steps beyond blogging... but this is fun. It's honest. It's true. It's rawer. And it's sooo in the moment. And more importantly, I actually still enjoy doing it.
P.S. I am about to be an aunt again in a matter of days... to a niece who doesn't even realize how important she is to me. It is cosmic in a way that I cannot explain... Possibly during a time and month that haunts and humbles me, till this day. I am stoked. Moreover, I am nostalgic.


Anonymous said...

I rarely post, as I just love to merely read your blog. I hope you don't dismantle. It's a reassurance that there are real people amidst us all. Congrats on the new niece! May she be neverending love to you!

Amadeo said...

I was laughing to myself yesterday because I saw a blogger on the bus and I realized saying my real name wouldn't identify me to them. Meanwhile a few people I know in real life read my blog and I do feel kind of akward about it. However I am an only child and I like attention...I encourage all to comment on my blog...makes me feel like I didn't waste the time I should have been working.

Brunhilda said...

Ah, don't dismantle the blog. Though I don't comment much, I do read regularly and look forward to your new posts. Blogging is so very liberating. So very. I air all my dirty laundry as well, though not nearly so eloquently as yourself. :)

TexInTheCity said...

Please don't dismantle. Please, please, pretty please. You have no idea how much your blog means to some of your readers.

Unknown said...

Ditto what everyone else said re: dismantling the blog.

And congratulations on becoming an aunt again!

I'm also sending you tons of well wishes & strength. :)

TiffJ said...

You all are awesome...
and I enjoy reading you all's
blogs equally as much... on the regular.

Coffee Rhetoric is staying, for now.
Everytime I think I've had enough with maintaining its integrity, updating, posting, etc... I can't bring myself to dismantle just yet!
I enjoy blogging. It is quite cathartic for me.
Moreover, I've cyber-met and read about some interesting and intelligent people... such yourselves, through this blog.

It's staying for a while longer. It encourages me to push myself as a writer, in many ways.

Thanks for the love! For real!

pricolatino said...

I miss you, girl... And I'm really bad at emailing people back and forth. I'm actually really bad at returning calls too. Oh well.

I hope you stick around for a while, this is for the time being almost my only connection to the Coffey I learned to know and love.

Congrats on being an aunt again!

Unknown said...

Coffey0072 said...
I've cyber-met and read about some interesting and intelligent people... such yourselves, through this blog.
1:38 PM

I think it's important for everyone here to know that while Coffey used the plural, she was REALLY just talking about ME.

Shouldn't shield the truth from people, even if it hurts......


Glad your'e stickin' around - when you stopped doing the blog a few months back I was DEVASTATED - OK, devastated may be a tad strong, but I was VERY disappointed! LOLOLOLOL

KEEP IT UP, CHICKY - love reading yer blog ;)

Anonymous said...

It's exhausting doing something like a blog because you do put yourself out there and it takes a great deal of energy to keep it going. That's why I haven't done one so I'm always intrigued and impressed by you and your cohorts because all of you have such interesting ideas about life in general and your own lives.

I love reading this blog and it should be whatever you want it to be and when you're ready to do something different (if ever that should occur) then you will.

New life in your family will surely be a bit of an energy boost for you...congratulations!!!

- Cat

BeautyinBaltimore said...

Congrats on being an aunt again.
I guess I don't have to tell you how I feel about you closing down your blog. I felt like crying(smile) that time you took a break. If you leave maybe you should leave your archives online because you have no idea how many people smile after reading your blog.

Anonymous said...

i've only recently discovered your blog. the way you write is just beautiful. do believe me when i say you're worth every minute, every hour, every seconds out of our day.

here's to plenty more posts in the future. cheers :)

miss w

Melissa said...

ditto on the blog. and serious, serious joy to be had over your new niece. that's an amazing full circle event. happy yet wistful. I know how much that must mean to you hon, and I send warmest wishes to you and your family.

TiffJ said...

Ciao all!
I'm very excited for the birth (rebirth?) of my niece.
I wish she would hurry up and get here!

The blog is staying up for a while longer, and I will update it as often as I can. I can't quit it. I do enjoy it, and it is cathartic for me. I purge through Coffey onto Coffee Rhetoric. I don't think I'm ready to let that go, not yet.