The Exorcism of Ms. Jones Pt. 1(cont.)

On Sorrow: Today was a spa day of sorts. I took a bath, did some power shaving (not that I get massive amounts of body hair), at home facial mask, washed my hair (complete with a self-administered scalp massage with mint & rosemary shampoo/Tea tree conditioner), pedicure, etc. I forgot that a bath on a special day, keeps the demons at bay. I enjoy bathing. Showering is refreshing, but can seem rushed. Whenever I have down time, I take a long, hot, and leisurely bath. Baths are a lot more methodical, the process of soaking, lathering, exfoliating is meditative. I tend to focus more during my baths. Bleeding, spilling open in my journal, opening up to my family and close friend about my self-imposed feelings of inadequacy and melancholy is the first step to my feeling better. As I mentioned before, I tend to keep these extremely personal feelings private, because I think I can cope with them all by myself, and don't like to wallow or whine. I'd grown lazy and stopped journaling for a while. Cracking open my diary and filling it with my brand of coded language, I found myself awash with emotion, as if I were being thrown about by a massive tidal wave. It was intense. The pages were saturated with a brilliant shade of blue after I was done purging. I also felt as if about 10 pounds had been lifted from my shoulders. Sharing the most recent things that I've written in my private journal is as personal as I'll probably get here. I've chosen to make specific excerpts of my diary public, realizing and accepting that I'm opening myself up to scrutiny and possible ridicule, and I'll leave that personal choice sans explanation. ...
Nut, Ancient Egyptian Goddess of the Cosmos.

September 30th, 2006 AM: Part I The morning and afternoon are pretty uneventful and rather mundane; Wake up, shower, and head to work. The day is beautiful and sunny, with just the right amount of brisk fall air.

Mid-Afternoon, my colleague/supervisor will make me privy to the fact that she had a bad day, one day last week. She said she was thinking about her eldest daughter, who recently passed suddenly in her sleep. Commiserating with her over her loss, I briefly flashed back to the day I had just yesterday… That moment I had while in the shower, thinking about MiKayla, my late niece. She crossed my mind briefly and I found myself standing under that spray of water, crying at the memory. A lot of that sensitivity could probably be attributed to PMS, but the sorrow didn’t hurt any less. I think it lingers because I still have a major, unresolved issue I didn’t really address or confide to anyone.

Firstly, I feel like I didn’t spend or GET to spend nearly enough time with her. She was only five months, and while she was indeed sick and rather vulnerable, I honestly didn’t think the outcome would unfold the way it did. *sigh… this is hard* …

I still feel a little flummoxed and blindsided by it. I know she’s in a better place. I know that now, and her passing is not what torments me. …

Now comes the hard part… the part I can’t reconcile… the part that haunts me…

I’m not a religious person nor do I believe in organized religion… *sigh* … but…

The evening before the morning I got that phone call, I lit “prayer” incense for her, and said a silent one, just for her… and went to bed feeling optimistic. Apparently it wasn’t enough, because it didn’t work. And this is what haunts me. … The one time I prayed, it went unacknowledged. It didn’t work.

Sept. 30th, 2006 PM

This late evening is also uneventful. I surfed the web a little, zoned out…staring into space, then decided to lie down. I listened to some Tango music and languished. Suddenly, I sat up and walked across the room to blow out some candles and her picture flashed across my laptop’s idle screen… the one where she is yawning… and I smiled as one tear made its way to the surface and down my cheek. Admitting what I just did was so hard to do, but perhaps having let it out will finally put it and her to rest with me, as she is with the rest of my family.

5 comments

  1. Anonymous4:52 PM

    I understand completely.

    And I do believe we have the same conditioner. Mint Rosemary and Tea Tree Oil...is there anything better?

    Methinks not.
    Well, other than the orange ginger sugar scrub from Bath and Body Works. Lordy, Lordy, that is straight from heaven. I think I'll indulge tonight. You have inspired me...

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  2. I'm glad you are back Coffey!! I'm going to read now...

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  3. Anonymous8:14 PM

    exotic, can already smell the mint & rosemary mixed with the steam rising from the tub. go to this spa and i've gotten to be a bit of a junkie. slipping into the warm bubbling jacuzzi blitz all the worldly worries. asleep in no time.

    I feel you Coffee. lost an uncle back in the 90s. what bugged me the most was a call of his i never returned. left a message saying he'd gotten married. that would have been the last time we'd have spoken. the news of his passing messed me up for a good bit. the only time i've cried in adulthood. death is as unpredictable as it's inevitable. doesnt make the event any easier. RIP to your niece.

    and good looking out to. knowing you're here makes me feel good. digitally connected.

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  4. Anonymous5:20 PM

    I don't know that you can get over the death of someone that you love in the way that you loved little MiKayla, but with each cry and sad moment you have it's a time for you to address your feelings and sometimes that's the best thing. It's so hard because you can't go back and recapture the time you've lost, but it's important to remember the things you gained from knowing her.

    You know all that so I won't dwell, but I'm glad the soak and the reflection were able to be brought to the blog.

    - Cyet

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  5. I apologize , I am going back and trying to post for each individual blog...

    the grief you feel is amazing and heartbreaking and horrible. grief... grief is just horrible. it teaches you some of the best and worst things.

    but please, and I only say please for my own belief, do *not* think that the one time you prayed your prayer went unanswered. sometimes our prayers and desires are not answered, but I still believe it is for a greater reason. I don't know completely what that be all end all is, but I believe it is something, *something* nonetheless. I do hope you try to carry that with you.

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