The Exorcism of Ms. Jones, cont. Pt 2

On Love

It was raining buckets the morning of October 1st. For some odd reason, I decided to walk the twenty minutes to work, rather than wait for the bus (which was taking forever in this horrible weather). I would soon come to regret my valiant feat, because my shoddy umbrella just wasn’t sufficient enough to stave off the strong gusts of wind and flash floods!

I got splashed and soaked no less than three times during my jaunt, by SUVs. I stomped and squinted my way down the sidewalks, cursing and wishing that I had cab fare.

After having finally made it to work, I ended up having to go down to the basement, peel off my soggy, black clothes, denim jacket, and red pashmina scarf, and throw them in the staff drier.

I felt awkward standing there in my damp underwear, wrapped in a plain white sheet (probably used to cover the fragile pieces of furniture in our collections/storage area). Hey, you do what you have to do. And besides, it was Sunday and the bulk of the staff were not there, so I felt secure that no one would burst in and stare at me in embarrassment. The prior day’s weather would’ve been the ideal day to walk to work, but hindsight is 20/20 and my sight is not all that accute.

This morning, as it’s quiet, I’ve been thinking about, yet another aspect of my life that plagues me... My love life, or lack thereof.

I have love from my family and love from my very close friends, but I can’t seem to attract the right kind of love that comes from a decent, respectful, and selfless man.

I’m flummoxed!

While previous love affairs have left me frustrated and at times confused, I am not hard-up for male companionship. I’ve just been left wondering why it’s so difficult to come by someone worthwhile, in these current dating times. When I do decide let down my guard and date someone, it’s never a pleasant or productive experience.

I’ve briefly dated some lame-ass, selfish, and insecure incubi, who’ve done nothing more than waste my time , suck up my energy, and attempt to use me as a sexual object. While the number is very low, they’ve left a million little indelible impressions that I’d just as soon erase and forget.

The thing that kills me is that they were dumbfounded when I ended it with a brief, yet thorough, explanation as to why it was not working.

These are not men I was excited enough about to introduce to my family or friends, for it never got to that stage, before their ugly started to seep through like pus from a disgusting zit.

The experiences have caused me to become somewhat hardened, leery, mean, and cynical.

Every man I seem to come into contact with, somehow becomes my nemesis. Upon contact, they’ve determined they’d rather fuck me… never wanting to love, discover, explore… just fuck.

I see the lascivious, predatory, and lecherous looks in their blank eyes, and I am reminded of a Chris Rock monologue during one of his stand-up routines, about men wanting to sleep with us women once we reach the nubile age of twelve. … every kind gesture, compliment, and act of chivalry, a ploy to endear themselves to us, so that they can give us a heaping helping of dick.

How disheartening , discouraging, sad, funny, and true! I am also reminded of a sex scene from one of my favorite movies by French director, Catherine Breillat. The provocative film, Romance, which tells the tale of a woman’s need for intimacy and love… something her steady boyfriend deprives her of… prompting her to have a series of reckless encounters with different men.

During this one particular sex scene with a casual paramour, the female protagonist narrates that she “disappears in proportion to the size of the cock taking her.” While I don’t indulge in risky sexual encounters with strange men, the few experiences I’ve had, have left me feeling empty and stoic. I don’t want to become a prisoner to those feelings, nor do I want to feel as if men are my adversaries, but it’s slowly becoming that way.

My current nemesis is an infrequent presence in my life. No matter how far I pull way, how cruel I am to him, how much I tell him to fuck off, his behavior is contrary to my resistance towards him… he has gone as far as to say, “I love u”… just like that, in an email. I was, at once, appalled and repulsed by that dry declaration.

I asked him how could he possibly love me, when he doesn’t even know me!

He hasn’t taken the time to learn even the most basic things about me; like what my favorite foods are, what my favorite colors are, or what my favorite movie is. He has never so much as given me a flower or sat across from me during a sumptuous meal, but he loves me???

He quickly chopped it up, and told me that while he’s not in love with me, that he loves me. That he likes me A LOT and loves things about me and my personality. “I do” he emailed back, matter-of-factly.

I told him not to ever say that to me again, because I know he only said that out of desperation. He figured a perfunctory “I love u” would make me swoon enough to grace him with my company once more. He said it to play a game. He played the "I love you" card, in an attempt at confusing me... but I doubt he knew or realized who he was up against. I told him that I reject him. I told him to put away the meat he was selling, because I’m not interested in buying… that the cat and mouse game has run its course…

these games that men play…

I’m left feeling like there’s no progression in my cold demeanor regarding love.

This is what makes me nervous. My capacity to love someone who will do it back unconditionally, sans strings, will have waned, and there will be nothing for me to reciprocate when I finally meet someone genuine…

4 comments

  1. Anonymous8:37 AM

    Oh, what to say, what to say! I could write a million blog posts on this subject. I'm in a similar place.

    Magically speaking, the Universe will always (and I mean ALWAYS) cough up exactly what we need to learn the Lesson of the Day. It's wildly responsive to our inner psychic states.

    Sometimes the lessons are hard and need to be repeated.

    I used to have a friend who liked to say "Do you want to come quietly or do you want the God/dess to rough you up first? You can learn the hard way, or the easy way."

    God I hated when he said that.

    For instance, I know I need to take responsibility for my last misadventure with "Tex." It carried a powerful lesson: I was drinking too much and was a little depressed, and inadvertently pulled a clinically depressed alcoholic into my sphere of awareness. WHOOPS! Sometimes the smartest thing we can do is decide "Nope, just not going there."

    I'm taking a break from dating until such time I can project so much glorious, positive energy to the Universe that I can't help but attract glorious, positive people into my midst. How long will it take? I have no idea . . .

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous5:31 PM

    Well, I wanted to write something cool, but hedonistic did such an impressive job that I'm sure my follow-up will pale in comparison. Great write-up! It's so true...

    I think it's frustrating because whether it's a big city or a small town love is rather elusive these days. It doesn't mean it's not out there, but it's kind of annoying to think it could be YEARS AND YEARS until it comes to find you...or you find it.

    The good thing is that you are definitely learning about all of the things that you don't want. I feel that I can tell you thousands of things I hate, but have a trickier time figuring out what a truly do want. I'm not talking just hot sex, looks, money, or anything...I mean who do I really think I want to come home to at night. I don't know that I'll have pinpointed it when I meet the right man, but who knows? If that stinking gal from college can find a Welsh hubby(you KNOW who I mean) you and I can at least find 1 decent date! hahahahhahaha

    You can always give Flav a call for Season 3...tee hee

    - Cyet

    ReplyDelete
  3. Well I left a long and heartfelt comment, but for some reason it didn't go through, and I'm not inspired anymore, lol. So I guess I'll just say "hey".

    ReplyDelete
  4. Coffee:

    Glad to see you're back. The writing, not that you care for my opinion, is really quite good. :) Let's not talk about that anymore.

    Anyhow... I may be young, but I understand your position. My God, does it dishearten me that for smart, badass women who know what they want, finding emotional fulfillment doesn't get any easier with time. It seems to me that there are very few that can even begin to conceive of how to a) court and b)keep this particular breed of female. The ones that DO know (or THINK they do know) have a tendency to be smarmy, falsely-confident fuckwits with more psychic holes than a block of Finlandia Swiss.

    Personally, I'm convinced I have hanging around my neck a sign invisible to me that reads, "Caitlin's Hospice for The Broken Hearted: Damaged, distrustful and emotionally incontinent men welcome." The smart, self-aware one's who've been worked over by inconsistent and self-serving cunts find me, fall for the sarcasm and straightforwardness (I suspect you're familiar with men admiring you for the same), are subsequently terrified, and then "just can't" be with me, but want to keep me around because I "mean so much." Nice in theory, bur rings a little false somehow, no?

    This in your post particularly arrested me and compelled me to respond: "My capacity to love someone who will do it back unconditionally, sans strings, will have waned, and there will be nothing for me to reciprocate when I finally meet someone genuine…"
    I nervously eye the same possibility off in the distressingly not-too-distant future. When you try and are met with the same brick wall, the same circular path leading by the same landmarks and roadapples, only with different travel companions who are all equally poor navigators, you start to wonder, how many more times can this happen before you sit down on a rock and slowly metamorphose into the same?

    However, with that said, for once I'm going to be unabashedly optimistic: chin up. I do think good things'll come and the Universe'll deliver to us the goods we deserve. At least it'd better, or in the after life, somebody's getting a serious asswhoopin'.

    ReplyDelete