“…I discovered people could only acknowledge red and blue and I was somewhere between. I was purple. I had to fight for an identity that doesn’t fit in one of their boxes. I’m a whole woman. and when I can’t be whole, I have a problem.” Lauryn Hill

I've been listening to a lot of Lauryn Hill lately. Revisiting The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill in particular.

I realized that she's the one signifying force missing from entertainment, and I miss her music. Recently (and coincidentally enough), I acquired the February issue of Essence Magazine, with Ms. Hill on the cover. The interview was intense and thought provoking, to say the least. Some may consider the newly monikered, Ms. Hill, to be arrogant, aloof, and slightly unbalanced. She considers herself to be wise and deserving of respect. With age, comes a certain level of wisdom and maturation.

Today, at work during lunch, I had an interesting conversation with a colleague (who happens to have several degrees and is a part-time professor at a community college)- She wanted to know if I had any plans to return to school and acquire an MFA. Two or three years ago, I would’ve hmmed and uhhhed around the question and answered accordingly to placate the person making the inquiry about my personal goals, but instead, I very simply answered, “No. I don’t like school. I have other things I’d rather be doing and I know exactly what those things are, so I’ve opted to focus on them." She seemed a little surprised by my answer. Needless to say, she tried to convince me how incredible academia is, and mentioned how much she enjoyed/enjoys school. She said I was smart, intelligent, and insightful and she thought that I, of all people, would be a staunch advocate of acquiring multiple degrees. I opined that regardless of how many letters a person has behind their name, it doesn’t make or break a person nor does it determine a person's level of intellect. I told her that I am a lifelong student, and that I’m constantly researching, reading, and studying out of my own curiosity and that I had no desire to learn within the constrictive confines of academia from some self-important professor (being careful to ask her not to take offense). I told her that I am of the opinion that if a person is 110% certain of what they want to do, they should engage themselves accordingly, and go to an institution specific to that or take the necessary steps to do those things. I also think that if someone wants to immerse themselves in the rat race, travel around Europe, or do whatever... then they should DO IT.

Colleague said that several years of school, letters, and such bring prestige and acceptance into a certain circle of people, and that when she was a young, single mother, she was ashamed of being a legal secretary, and wanted to be accepted by certain social groups. I very politely told her that I aim to be happy, stress free, and productive and that the difference between she and I is that I am not a people pleaser, and that other’s opinions of me don’t matter. That I’m constantly striving to improve and impress myself. I refuse to beat myself up anymore because of what other people think I am or what I'm not. I also joked that at least I wasn't living under a bridge, sucking on a crack-pipe.

Look, I wont tolerate disrespect or the overly-analytical summations of pretentious jerks, who think they have me figured out, when they don't even know the half of it, and I reserve the right to deem presumptuous people arrantly obnoxious and ill-informed. I get the distinct feeling that she still isn't at that point in her life yet, because she admitted that she aims to please others and that she does, in fact, care what people think of her. Being single, not dating on a consistent basis, not being wealthy… none of that matters, because I am comfortable in my skin and with my intellect.

I’ve wrestled with so many aspects of my personality, and have finally come to the conclusion that it’s okay to be silly, it’s okay to be self-deprecating, it’s okay to be SECURE with the many facets of my being. When I say that I don’t care what people think, I wont apologize for it, because I truly mean it. I don’t care what men think, I don’t care what women think. I just don't. That's not me being aloof or a tough shell to crack, that's me working towards true happiness. As I sat there, going over the discussion in my head, I began to have several epiphanies, the primary one being that people are sorely miseducated about who I am. Knowing the things that I’ve learned, feeling the way that I feel, make it that much easier to choose my prospective mate. To not settle. To have fun rather than wallow in my singlehood. To be okay with the things I enjoy doing. Ms. Hill is not crazy. She is confident and comfy in this new layer of skin she’s in. It’s about sloughing off the dead layers and reveling in the glow of something refreshing. I completely understand where she is coming from because I am there.