(sigh)... so after a nice day off, I feel refreshed. I feel revitalized in my year older skin... I caught up on some much needed zzzz's. It's amazing how lack of sleep can cause one to feel disoriented and sleep-drunk. Monday, I woke up (after having been up late the previous night, doing laundry, washing my happy-nappy hair and such) - feeling dazed, confused, tired, discombobulated, etc. My clean laundry was strewn all over my apartment, my bedside lamp was still on, my martini lamp was still on, music was still playing, and my towel had fallen off of my damp and conditioner saturated head. I had so much to do and was therefore late for work... try 1 1/2 hours late. I had to wash the conditioner out of my hair and restore some semblance of disorganized/order to it, and that takes forever. I had to clean and fold the 3 loads worth of laundry laying willy-nilly all over the place and then retrieve the rest of the laundry from the dryer in the laundry room right next door. Needless to say, my birth day got off to a rocky start. One would think I had partied hearty the night before... but, shit, no such luck. Anyway, I needed that day. Maturity dictates that I can't pull all nighters anymore and expect to be in good workable order the next day. Maturity... That word brings me to the next order of business. I'm finding that the older I get, the less compelled I feel to appease people. Simply saying "NO" to people's specific requests, without launching into a detailed explanation feels great... it's empowering, moreover, I don't feel the need to explain shit, other than to say, "because I'm grown, that's why..." when someone demands a piece of me or my time. The only person I feel inclined to give into is my mother... and her requests are usually within reason... and simply put... she deserves the things that she asks of me. Women, in particular... we have this overwhelming feeling of guilt when we are placed in a position to have have to say no. We don't want to do the things that're asked of us, by our friends or significant others, but our expected passivity prompts us to give in... even though we don't want to. We socialize with other women whose company we can't stand... because we don't want to be mean... or do things alone. We don't want to end dysfunctional relationships... because we try too hard to find the good in certain men... who have no intention of ever changing... We keep going back, because these same men carrying two tons of baggage make us feel like shit for breaking up with them. Some women give in to first-date sex... thinking saying NO will mean the end to their social lives, altogether... no more dates... ever. (insert eyeroll) We allow society and pop culture to dictate how we should look, act, and feel... we feel bad for not being skinny enough or light-skinned enough... so we spend thousands of dollars trying to chase ridiculous trends. When all we really have to do is say NO. It amazes me how a two letter, monosyllabic word can cause so much dread... making people break out into a cold sweat at having to utter it. Some people go as far as to practice how they'll turn someone down... concocting some story they'll use to get out of some social activity they don't want to partake in. I'm not innocent of creating tall tales just to get out of having to go somwhere with someone, or do something, in the past. I would socialize with this other young woman around my age... and couldn't stand to be around her. I've trashed her indirectly on this blog a time or two... but I found her incessantly annoying, she couldn't carry on a conversation with depth- (if we weren't talking about the type of sex she was having with her fucktarded boyfriend or fashion... she usually had a blank, vapid look on her face whenever I tried to discuss books I'd read and such)- She would do something specrackular the night whilst we were hanging tough and would really get on my freakin' nerves... and then the following morning, would offer me a ride to work... I would accept... then, that same evening, she'd ask me to go to B.S.N. ... a bar/club that I loathed... that she knew I hated ... but I'd agree to go anyway due to the simple fact that she gave me a ride, earlier that moring. Notwithstanding the fact that I didn't ask... I'd only accepted... Needless to say, this stupid cyclical pattern went on for months. I finally stopped accepting rides. The bus looked better and better on Saturday mornings, regardless of how treacherous the weather was. I realized that I did not enjoy this girl or her company. I realized that I was doing a disservice to myself, by accepting her rides and then agreeing to hang out with her later on that evening- (she offered to treat for drinks in my defense)- then complaining to anyone within earshot that she got on my freakin' nerves, was an embarrassment to me with her whorish mode of dress and behaviour, and wasn't fun to talk to. It was my own fault for simply not saying, NO. For feeling guilty about doing so... just because she'd given me a ride, or bought me a drinks. All offers she'd made. I made a conscious decision not to accept her offers of free drinks and rides anymore... because I didn't want to feel indebted to her... thereby feeling guilty about saying, "No, I don't want to go out with you later on tonight, you disgusting, Appletini guzzling, slutbag of a pig." I didn't and I don't want to feel indebted to anybody I dislike. So I refuse to accept favors from anybody I am not close to or who annoys the hell out of me... no matter how tempting their offers of free drinks and shit are. Some people don't offer things out of the kindness of their hearts... but because they want some sort of leverage over others, I've quickly discovered. There is always some string attached. This is one of the primary reasons why getting older feels so great. I've decided to cut that string... I don't feel obligated to give any jackhole any explanation about why I don't want to do something. If I don't want to do it... I say, emphatically and with conviction... NO without incident or longwinded explanation about why I said NO. It's just, bitch I said NO because I don't feel like it. ... If they press the issue.... I just re-emphasize it a little more obnoxiously... punctuating the air with a terse hand gesture.... peppered with a scatological word... you know... just for drama and emphasis. To let them know I mean bidness. NO dammit!