... and the Snark-y Award for Worst Sex on Screen goes to...

I like movie sex- (whether simulated or real....> thank you Catherine Breillat and Michael Winterbottom)- more than the next pervert. I like them trashy, tasteful, and erotic all at once. Anything less than an NC-17 rating for me just wont suffice, PG-13 be damned. Regardless of what the MPAA decides to slap a movie with, I cannot stand watching horrible sex scenes on film. Seeing such tripe makes me feel cheated and chagrined. Pondering such matters has led me to compose a list of the worst on-screen sex scenes I have ever watched. Feel free to lend me your feedback on any others that turned you off and made your sex organs go soft like a fresh batch of Gummi Worms. Twentynine Palms The sex scenes in this movie left me feeling befuddled, ill, sore, and well... angry. I've seen everything sexual that Bruno Dumont has to offer in his films and none of it is good, unfortunately. Watching an emaciated Katerina Golubeva and Perry Farrell twin, David Wissack have primal, unattractive, dry, unromantic sex was just such a turn off. The labored breathing, the dry slip-slapping of two bony bodies against a rock in the desert heat only to hear Katerina whisper softly in a thick Eastern European accent, to her paramour "I'm too dry my love" to which he grunted in reply, "My legs hurt anyway" made me want to stop this train wreck of a movie immediately, yet, I couldn't turn away. It just got increasingly worse. David, yelling "ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" at the top of his lungs in orgasm during a BJ as Katya's face slapped violently against his crotch, David screaming, "ahhhhhhhhhhhhhKAAATYYYYAAAAA!!!!!" during an equally as violent sex scene in the motel... yes, it does indeed get worse. Monster's Ball *sigh* What else to say other than, watching Halle and Billy Bob hit the floor of his ramshackle living living room made me cringe. It was raw and just not that passionate. Some say this was Halle's best performance... I beg to differ, but this is a moot point when one considers Cat Woman, but I digress. Anyway, nothing about that scene made me "feel goooood" and I haven't watched it since. Fat Girl (or A Ma Soeur) While the sex scene wasn't shown, the whole scenario was disturbing nevertheless. Seeing Italian lothario, Libero de Rienzo seduce and manipulate the naive and lolitaesque Roxane Mesquida into having anal sex because "all the girls are doing it to preserve their virginity" was sad and smarmy. Hearing her guttural cries of discomfort and pain as her portly and less attractive younger sister watched from the other bed still bothers me even now. Leave it to Catherine Breillat to shock and dismay. La vie de Jésus (The Life of Jesus) Another eccentric film from Bruno Dumont. Where do I start? Bailleul, France ruffians... toothless, angry, and with a proclivity of being shiftless and violent towards the town's resident Arabs. The movie's primary offender sits around aimlessly with his buddies and on occassion has graphic, ugly, stank-looking sex with his girlfriend. Not a pretty sight. Lifestyle: Swinging in America I rented this documentary via Netflix hoping to learn why people swing outside their marriages, but was presented with a picture replete with middle-aged, wrinkly, saggy, liverspotted marrieds gang-banging and walking around sans clothes. They sit around at pool parties and conventions in all their nude glory, shooting the shit, fondling one another's wives and husbands and such. Yes, I watched this horrible spectacle in its entirety... but then I started to feel bad that grandmas and dirty daddies were getting it on gangland style, while I merely watched like a sad, unsexed voyeur. L'Humanité Bruno Dumont is 3 for 3. This man clearly dislikes sex and goes out of his way to make it look as unattractive and as skanky as he can. Romance Another (unsimulated and very real) offering from Catherine Breillat. An arthouse classic. This time feature Italian porn meister Rocco Siffredi and waifish French actress Caroline Ducey. Rocco looks good and bronzed in all his 8-inch glory. Caroline on the other hand, looks pale, skinny, limp, and uncomfortable... as if she is in the midst of a gynecological quagmire. Listening to Caroline maunder on about pointed dicks and what have you while Rocco stares at her blankly, probably not understanding anything beyond the French he had to learn for his 2 or 3 lines, doesn't make for good pre-sex chatter either. If anybody reading this happens upon this film for the first time, block Ms. Ducey out and focus on Rocco when this scene comes up. He's got wicked undulation skills. Angel Heart Seeing blood cascading from the ceiling or wherever the hell it's coming from while Lisa Bonet and Mickey Rourke go at it, ain't my idea of romance. Not a good idea and very messy. There you have it. My nominees for the worst sex scenes I've ever bore witness to.

7 comments

  1. Is this the movie where the protagnist gets tied up & gets pregnant & eventually blows up something? If it is- I saw it in London and left the cinema completely perplexed.

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  2. If you're talking about Romance, then, yes the pale and bony Caroline Ducey gets tied up and digitally manipulated by the principal of the school where she teaches. She then gets knocked by her vain, asexual, male model boyfriend during a 2 second sex session and decides to blow him and his cat up by turning on the gas while he is passed out drunk.

    Perplexing indeed, this movie. There is no romance to speak of, despite the title.

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  3. What about the best sex scene?

    "what makes for an appealing sex scene in a movie? Does it have to turn you on & make you want to have sex? Does it have to "show a lot"? What is the purpose of showing sex in a movie (obviously it changes totally with each movie)? etc..."

    I sort of wrote a blog about it in April.

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  4. Whether sex makes a movie good or bad is not my point. My point is, the sex scenes in the aforementioned movies are shocking, graphic, and unorthodox, and I didn't care for them. I like movies based on the quality of the script. The originality and artistry of the message. This is why I watch a lot of indepependent and foreign films.

    I admire when a screen writer or director makes a conscious decision to put blatant sexuality in a film, not worrying what mainstream movie critics think, because it can paint a telling picture without having to use a lot of dialogue... (see Michael Winterbottom's arthouse film 9 Songs, which depicts the relationship between a young woman and a man she meets while living in London. There is unsimulated sex in much of the film and very little dialogue, the sex is basically the crux of the story).

    My post says this...

    I'm no prude, and don't care whether there is blatant sexuality in a film, but the films I mentioned show sex that even shocks ME and they're not good sex scenes... point, blank, period.

    Thanks for reading.

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  5. to be honest, i have yet to watch a movie where the sex was even okay and bearable. the hardcore ones always have one ugly participant while the the ones with the beautiful participlants are bland.. can't win for losing.

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  6. Anonymous1:39 AM

    I think Coffey and I come from the school of thought where sex in film just isn't shocking. It either is well-integrated into the film or it is ridiculous and awkward. I really think that sex can be less exciting than talking about it. In a film that Coffey and I saw at Sundance the main character just talks about sex, but I remember feeling sort of naughty as if I'd just SEEN something wildly erotic. Sex in a movie is sex in a movie...if you wanna put it in the flick, fine. I just HATE seeing sex scenes that BLOW and the ones she's talking about definitely suck major donkey kong balls.
    -Cat

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  7. Cat...
    hahahahahahahahaha
    Donkey Kong Balls?
    hahahahahaha

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