Don't Speak: Why Women Don't Have To Smile or Say "Hi" on Command

I shared an experience I had while out-and-about this past week, on tumblr, that left me feeling taken aback, because it will never cease to amaze me, how men go about exerting dominance in shared spaces even while in the presence of women they don't know. And in doing so, will say the most inappropriate things and make the most dictatorial demands of her.

Also, this morning while scanning my Facebook timeline, I came across another “Dear Black Women…” picture meme that, while presented under the guise of holding Black women in high-esteem, seemed to be nothing more than another critical missive taking us to task over some perceived infraction against their manhood; the issue?  … the expectation that Black women should speak when spoken to by strangers on the street and smile on command lest we present ourselves as “bitter” or bearing a grudge against Black men, due to some previous relationship experience. The comments by the delegation of Black men who love to weigh-on all social media matters pertaining to how stank Black women's attitudes supposedly are and their growing disdain for us, were predictably par for the course. The internalized patriarchy displayed by some Black women who were more than happy to co-sign the b.s. was disappointing, however.

I am beyond sick and tired of the culture of misogyny that dictates it’s somehow my job to placate some man’s ego, for fear of being berated, stalked, attacked, or looked upon unfavorably because I’m exercising my right to do whatever the hell I want with me and mine. As a 35-year-old ADULT woman, I feel no sense of obligation to speak or smile on cue just because some stranger, I’ve never met or interacted with, will feel slighted.  On any given day, a woman can be in the throes of some experience that has her distracted or under distress. I recall one perfectly sunny day about 6 1/2 years ago; when I walked from my place of employment at the time, to the bus stop en route home; because I’d received an extraordinarily hurtful phone call from one of my sisters… our niece of 5 months had passed away. The weather was of no importance to me, because I felt numb. As I stood there quiet and visibly shaken, silently willing the bus to come so I could go be with my family, this man proceeded to lecherously take up my personal space to mumble about how great I smelled and "sexy" he thought I looked, and told me that I needed to “smile” because it was “too beautiful a day to be looking so mad”.   I felt overwhelmingly stressed behind the mask of dark, over-sized shades, that he could’ve been speaking to me in an indecipherable language from the deep, dank confines of a cave, his voice sounded that muffled. But I was still aware enough to feel unbridled hate at his creepy rhetoric and to note the unwanted intrusion on my mental space. I was also incensed enough to feel an overwhelming urge to pick up a blunt instrument and unleash a fury of violence on him and his audacity.  But I willfully continued to ignore him as if he wasn't there and thankfully didn't have a long wait to be able to get home.

Additionally, several weeks ago, I was watched (unbeknownst to me), then stalked into a place, and told by the perpetrator that he “had the right” to basically invade my space and rattle off a list of unsavory things. Specifically, he vehemently said that he "deserved a woman like me"  after I was vocal about my displeasure and asked him to leave me alone.

Listen, my humanity (if it's acknowledged at all) has been relegated to a binder's worth of fucks. Having to navigate a predominantly male political landscape that wants control of my body and thinks rape is legitimate, with any resulting pregnancies considered a gift from G-d is treacherous enough. So the prospect of having to walk on eggshells around a subset of men who're more than willing to defend the right to be able to stomp the shit out of me while their buddies stand around and record it, because I don't say "hi" or smile is too much.

When you tell me to smile or insist that women need to speak when spoken to as if this isn’t a democratic society… the short, polite answer is NO, I won’t and don't. Your response should be to move on without incident. To justify verbal (or physical) assaults on women or get deep into your feelings, because of our refusal to respond to advances (benign or otherwise) is sick. If you're a man whose treatment of a woman is contingent upon whether or not she smiles and bats her eyelashes at you… a stranger… on the street and it has that much of an impact on your ego you, then it speaks volumes about you more than it does about whatever perceived negative dispositional affect men seem to like to diagnose Black women as having.

Here's the official MEMO: I will speak if I feel like it and reserve the right to smile if a situation warrants me to crack one. I will, under no pressure or obligation to do so or to put you at ease. All women have the right to that very same sentiment without the threat of vitriol, push-back, or hate. 

The following video, “Walking Home” is an experimental short film/performance piece about the ramifications of street harassment on women, when we don’t respond accordingly.