Drawing straws and constantly coming up short, is exasperating. In fact, it's downright maddening. Especially when you think you're making headway. When you're soooo close to triumph. My face hurts from all the (fake) smiling, taking 'ish in stride, and feigning optimism in the wake of so many roadblocks. I feel like going outside in the chilly fall air, and screaming at the top of my lungs. I want the whole world or at least those within a 10 block radius, to feel... know... experience what adverse frustration feels like. You know that twisting feeling one gets at the pit of the stomach... when you've overindulged in way too much of a good thing... like intensely flavored Middle Eastern fare or rich chocolate truffles, rolled in even more powdered cocoa? That is what adverse frustration feels like. At least for me. ...

I breathe in... and then I exhale. I breathe in... and then I exhale. I try to stop the rapid beating in my chest. I unclench my fists and I massage the insides of my right hand, and then use the right to massage the left. And then I dive back in. Making sure to pinch my nostrils closed so as not to breathe in too much of the elements, because I don't wanna drown or knock the wind out of my person ...