Coffee Rhetoric: tentations
Showing posts with label tentations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tentations. Show all posts

August 18, 2011

Spilling Open: Introspection

I haven't had the opportunity to spill open on here in a while. .. not in the fashion I'm accustomed to. "Diversifying" and introducing different elements to this blog has prompted me to sort of shut my personal self off. Since I can't afford the luxury of sighing and heaving to a shrink, I figured I'd get back to the middle and do it here. I miss spilling open here. The luxury of having my own forum and not restricting how I utilize my voice is a wonderful and freeing right to have. This very late and sleepless night, I choose to project in a very self-analytical way... for I'm the best, worst, most knowledgeable judge of me, myself, and I. 
Three days ago, I turned 34. I haven't had the opportunity to let the fact that I'm in my hardcore, mid-thirties, sink in until late last night and then now. I've always been an extremely leery woman, but it seems the older I get... the grumpier, more impatient, cut and dry paranoid I become about people's intentions (not to mention the insane hormonal changes my body is experiencing). My thoughts run a mile a minute... still... and my intuition goes into overdrive... The nights I can't sleep (which are often), I'm more in form and my emotions run the gamut.
Close friendships I've had for years are still intact, easy to maintain, and I cherish them. I also curse them for being so long-distance.  I'm finding that cultivating new ones is a difficult process for me. Sort of like the three times I've tried, to no avail, to care for and nurture organic  French lavender plants.  While I enjoy meeting their acquaintance, I don't trust people upon first coming into contact with them and schmoozing is a daunting task I'd rather avoid. My expectations of folks I fancy tend to be pretty basic, but high (within reason)... so when they generate a flaky outer-crust, I have visuals of them engaging in unsavory discussions about me when I'm not around and cackling at my expense after I've opened up to them (a la the movie, Carrie... when she flashes back to her mother mockingly telling her; "They're all gonna laugh at you!"). Mind you, none of the things I'm divulging charts the madness of an Angry Black Woman who's aging and coming undone. I've gone through some schtuff  over the years with people I considered friends, who eventually had no use for me once I stopped being able to provide them with the things they needed from me or who found someone more ride-or-die to guffaw and shoot the shit with. This is nineteen years worth of angst. I'm conflicted; sometimes  assholish when it comes to shielding myself... and so it manifests in a brooding, somewhat cold package ready to cut someone's jugular (or shutdown and close up shop, depending on the situation)- when I think I'm being compromised in some way. I stay solitary for the most part and actually quite enjoy doing things alone... In fact I find it gratifying and not unlike the scene from Catherine Breillat's French film, Romance... where Marie stalks her boyfriend to a sushi restaurant... chagrined by his flagrant pleasure in being alone eating his California rolls and reading his book ... without her... to which she mentally voices over that she would've rather found him cheating with another woman. 
While I dislike being a mercurial woman sans the desire to nurture deeper relationships with the opposite sex or entertain any new applicants for friendship, I've grown comfortable in my ... aloofness (for lack of a better term), as it's easy to just exist in a world unto myself and with people I'm comfortable with and who know me. But while my opaque and indifferent nature seems comforting and offers the protection I need from being inconvenienced in some way...  it's exasperating. 
Aging, learning how to deal with other people's personality quirks juxtaposed against my own, and fumbling towards my core presents an amalgamation of different feelings: perplexed, resistant, and frustrated ...
I understand that venturing outside the comfortable confines I've built around myself is a difficult but very necessary thing I need to experience more often... Despite it being so easy to withdraw and become self-contained... In essence, I just want to be left the hell alone; yet essentially I want to be happy having reached some sort of balanced medium... but I know this isn't a healthy or realistic expectation. What can I say?... I'm a middle child who embraces her right to err and grow. Stay tuned...

June 12, 2010

Changements

 Path of least resistance: In physics, the path of least resistance is always taken by objects moving through a system. For example, water flowing downhill follows the path of least resistance as it is pulled downward by gravity. Electricity flowing through a circuit behaves similarly; while every available path has some current through it, the amount of current through each path is inversely proportional to its electrical resistance. Atmospheric disturbances (storms) flow on the path of least resistance by flowing toward zones of low barometric pressure, where lower air density offers less impedance to the storm system than higher pressure zones.

... So many changes, so little time.
I've been diverted, and have turned off of another exit. I feel... good; this is a good thing. As frazzling as change can be, I've grown accustomed to viewing each sudden development as a chance to breathe life into another entity; as the opportunity to explore, expound upon, to build. In the midst of these changes, I've had a nervous breakthrough which has manifested into a creative spurt. I love kicking through writer's/creative blocks. It's almost like playing a round of Tetris... once you fit a puzzle piece in its rightful place, all the rest disintegrates and explodes like fireworks, allowing the player to move on to the next level. I'm excited and extremely hopeful. Stay tuned.

March 07, 2010

Sunday Ear Candy

Tomorrow I'm up and at it, for another session of major grinding. This song definitely comes to mind... 

December 16, 2009

Enterprising

I was going to wait... But spilling open and saying this out loud and into the universe will make it that much more serious and my desire for it, even realer. It's long overdue, I'm researching, trying to brainstorm, figuring out the details of making Coffee Rhetoric, into Coffee Rhetoric, Inc. As I continue to pound the pavement and keep my resolve and frustration intact, I am mulling over the ins and outs of making my own opportunity manifest and putting my creativity to good use. Perhaps I'll use this blog as a way to promote myself, or I may even start a separate (but relative) entity.
Details to be announced soon as I iron them out. There're goals to ponder, guinea pigs to be victimized, papers to rustle... so forth and so on. ... I went to the library yesterday to research public relations/marketing strategies and ideas, but unfortunately it has become a place for the seedy and the beady-eyed to call home. Wall-to-wall trash... bottom of the barrel variety. Wading through that cesspool was exhausting... nevertheless, ideas are percolating!
*sigh* This is real.

December 08, 2009

Tentation

a hulking figure... completely cloaked in the anonymity of darkness, blocked the last remnants of the sun, which was already struggling against Winter's soulstice.
it extended an inky arm and casually placed it on my shoulder...
i stood silent, in a meditative state,
determined not to break my concentration...
ohhhhhmmmm
to no avail. at least during this round.
i wonder what would have happened had i caught the last remnants of the sun shower and drenched myself. if only I hadn't been distracted.
i'd be at one with my chi... i'd be writhing around, in a passionate embrace at the temple of my familiar, as opposed to drifting in a desolate matrix... caught between space, time, perception, and... time, trying to play catch up with my center.
i'm beginning to loathe the mechanics of time travel.