Coffee Rhetoric: changes
Showing posts with label changes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label changes. Show all posts

September 13, 2011

These and Those: Au revoir à l'Eté

Summer... I laughed, I cried, I scowled, I scratched my head... this summer wasn't too bad but it wasn't without a few bumps and snags either. I've learned a great deal about navigating the landscape known as freelance writing. Important lessons such as; how to be discerning with people who employ the services of freelancers and adapting to ever changing personalities in this current economic/job climate. Oh, I've learned some great lessons, even if I had to experience more inconveniences. There's a whole chapter of my adult life titled UNFORESEEN INCONVENIENCES, in fact. That's where I archive them all. Instead of bullet points, I sub-categorize them under expletives. 
Anyway, stumbling is always frustrating once you start gaining momentum. I always liken it to the damsel in distress in those formulaic slasher films, who trips over a tree stump while running wildly away from the murderous psychopath, while he creeps calmly and patiently towards his prey.  As I always do, I endure as best as I can- (like the last heroine standing... battered and bruised by her stalker) - and just catapult myself forward towards, flailing towards stability. 
Like the leaves change color during the fall, I've determined, I too need to change colors with the season and tweak the knobs on my personality to suit the situation. Never in a disingenuous way, of course... but in a more guarded way. I want to play the shamelessly selfish jerk sometimes and not dial it down just because some other selfish jerk scoffs. I get too excited when I've stumbled on some collaborative thing that seems as if it's too good to be true. More often than not, it is. I had the opportunity to work on some amazing projects, with some extremely driven and passionate people, so in many instances, I remained steady on my feet and carved a niche for myself and my portfolio. But others have proved to be certainly uncertain in the end. You win some, you loose some. I'm sick of singing that particular hook and song, so I'll end with c'est la vie so forth and so on. The world is a vast place with so many undiscovered nooks and corners. I won't put my personal endeavors on the back-burner to help peddle someone else's agenda, only to end up with the short end of the stick... not anymore. Some things are no longer negotiable when it comes to my own personal growth and desires. I may be an insomniac, but I dream just like everybody else. I resolve to continue at my own pace and no one else's, unless it's lucrative and a good fit. 
While I'm not exactly thrilled over what the winter weather will bring (especially after what last year's snow storms wracked) or its starkness, I'm actually glad that summer is coming to an end. Fall is my favorite season and I tend to more introspective, more creative, and thirstier for robust Spanish wines. I also enjoy dressing for the fall. Fall's color palate suit me and I love indulging my love of opaque tights and boots. 
As always... To Be Continued...  

August 18, 2011

Spilling Open: Introspection

I haven't had the opportunity to spill open on here in a while. .. not in the fashion I'm accustomed to. "Diversifying" and introducing different elements to this blog has prompted me to sort of shut my personal self off. Since I can't afford the luxury of sighing and heaving to a shrink, I figured I'd get back to the middle and do it here. I miss spilling open here. The luxury of having my own forum and not restricting how I utilize my voice is a wonderful and freeing right to have. This very late and sleepless night, I choose to project in a very self-analytical way... for I'm the best, worst, most knowledgeable judge of me, myself, and I. 
Three days ago, I turned 34. I haven't had the opportunity to let the fact that I'm in my hardcore, mid-thirties, sink in until late last night and then now. I've always been an extremely leery woman, but it seems the older I get... the grumpier, more impatient, cut and dry paranoid I become about people's intentions (not to mention the insane hormonal changes my body is experiencing). My thoughts run a mile a minute... still... and my intuition goes into overdrive... The nights I can't sleep (which are often), I'm more in form and my emotions run the gamut.
Close friendships I've had for years are still intact, easy to maintain, and I cherish them. I also curse them for being so long-distance.  I'm finding that cultivating new ones is a difficult process for me. Sort of like the three times I've tried, to no avail, to care for and nurture organic  French lavender plants.  While I enjoy meeting their acquaintance, I don't trust people upon first coming into contact with them and schmoozing is a daunting task I'd rather avoid. My expectations of folks I fancy tend to be pretty basic, but high (within reason)... so when they generate a flaky outer-crust, I have visuals of them engaging in unsavory discussions about me when I'm not around and cackling at my expense after I've opened up to them (a la the movie, Carrie... when she flashes back to her mother mockingly telling her; "They're all gonna laugh at you!"). Mind you, none of the things I'm divulging charts the madness of an Angry Black Woman who's aging and coming undone. I've gone through some schtuff  over the years with people I considered friends, who eventually had no use for me once I stopped being able to provide them with the things they needed from me or who found someone more ride-or-die to guffaw and shoot the shit with. This is nineteen years worth of angst. I'm conflicted; sometimes  assholish when it comes to shielding myself... and so it manifests in a brooding, somewhat cold package ready to cut someone's jugular (or shutdown and close up shop, depending on the situation)- when I think I'm being compromised in some way. I stay solitary for the most part and actually quite enjoy doing things alone... In fact I find it gratifying and not unlike the scene from Catherine Breillat's French film, Romance... where Marie stalks her boyfriend to a sushi restaurant... chagrined by his flagrant pleasure in being alone eating his California rolls and reading his book ... without her... to which she mentally voices over that she would've rather found him cheating with another woman. 
While I dislike being a mercurial woman sans the desire to nurture deeper relationships with the opposite sex or entertain any new applicants for friendship, I've grown comfortable in my ... aloofness (for lack of a better term), as it's easy to just exist in a world unto myself and with people I'm comfortable with and who know me. But while my opaque and indifferent nature seems comforting and offers the protection I need from being inconvenienced in some way...  it's exasperating. 
Aging, learning how to deal with other people's personality quirks juxtaposed against my own, and fumbling towards my core presents an amalgamation of different feelings: perplexed, resistant, and frustrated ...
I understand that venturing outside the comfortable confines I've built around myself is a difficult but very necessary thing I need to experience more often... Despite it being so easy to withdraw and become self-contained... In essence, I just want to be left the hell alone; yet essentially I want to be happy having reached some sort of balanced medium... but I know this isn't a healthy or realistic expectation. What can I say?... I'm a middle child who embraces her right to err and grow. Stay tuned...

February 03, 2010

Just Drive

I feel like I've reached an impasse. A never-ending maze with an elusive exit. So many decisions, so many things to nibble away at, but I'm completely deadlocked. People, places, and things never cease to perplex the hell out of me. And at times, it's overwhelming. I've had moments where I've attempted to check out, but alas, to no avail, because worries, my thoughts continue to plague me. I manage to be aloof in certain aspects of my life i.e., dating; wishy washy suitors, and an endless supply of assholes. In other aspects? Not so much; opportunities, my livelihood, my future. 
Ofttimes I think I have a dubious guardian, who loves toying with me and seeing me grapple with the worst luck! Or perhaps I'm an unwitting contestant in some twisted reality television program, where the masses are watching me wrestle and fight my way to the top. I don't know, but I continue to shadowbox. To bob, weave, sidestep... dance... twirl my way to what I feel is rightfully mine! I'm at a loss right now. I don't know how to plot my next move but I do know that I'm ready for my turn. I'm thinking. I'm pondering. I'm pissed. Intense game of mind play at work. Please do not disturb!
The fight continues. This is round 20.

January 12, 2010

Bartender!

Screw sleep. Screw my main squeeze. I'm going to burn the midnight oil again, this fine evening... as my vigil is never ending. I'm on a quest and time is limited. I need something stronger than my familiar lover, to sustain... and to escape if only for an hour or so. My brain needs a welcome reprieve from the trials and tribs of everyday stuff... My brain just refuses to turn off. When it's on, it's on, until the break of dawn. Since I can't seem to get to sleep, may as well imbibe... if anything, I may fall into a restful slumber. That is all.

February 22, 2009

These and Those: Still Rolling Along

I'm still rolling along and settling into my apartment, slowly but oh so surely. I purchased a few chindi area rugs for my bathroom, front hallway, and kitchen, for five dollars a pop at Family Dollar. That place is becoming addictive. I also hung up some curtains in my spare room and have set up beddy-by shop there until I get a bed in my chosen bedroom. The curtains aren't perfectly hung, but they pass. Anyway, who gives a damn. I think they look fine, when you consider that I'm not used to having to hang shit and drill screws in the wall and what have you. I've gotten better though. Good enough suits me just fine.
Still working on the couch issue. Hopefully I'll have that resolved in another two weeks. I'm in full HGTV mode and nothing can stop me. It's amazing, the ways in which you can upgrade our apartment without breaking your pocketbook. I've even managed to squeeze in a couple of dates in-between the condo decorating. Nothing serious. Nothing to read too much into. It's just cool to be able to have a quick lunch or what have you, and get to know someone interesting. My preoccupation with the committee of me, myself, and I is barreling forth, at warp speed and I've no intention of taking a detour. You have to be a pretty extraordinary man to get me to back up and take another look. Nothing wrong with accepting a lunch or drink to help fill up one's free time.
Speaking of Family Dollar, I was at my local one up the street from me this afternoon. The manager or owner (I presume), an African man, recounted the morning's events. He apparently got pimp-slapped by an irate customer who grew angry, because his coupons weren't valid at Family Dollar. The right-side of his face was swollen as proof and he claimed that he had a headache. "I'm gonna slap you!" the manager said the customer threatened... and, well, he did. The manager said he held the man until the fuzz came to arrest him. Sad day in our culture when customers go around administering beat downs because they can't use invalid store coupons. Obama would NOT approve and this is NOT the month of us to be going around slapping the piss out of one another. People, we've got to do better. Chris Brown hasn't done anything but exacerbate the way in which we relate to one another when we are angry.
In the same breath, The slapped asked me if I was single or had any children, and suggested that we should become "special friends" and go out from time to time. I considered bitch slapping him across the other cheek, but forced a tight smile and said, "Mm-hm, bye, thanks alot. Sorry you got slapped." And pushed my way out the door. "Each time you come back, we'll get to know each other more and more and build a friendship!!" he yelled after me.
A few days prior to that, after taking out the trash and while digging around in my purse for my keys so I could let myself back in, imagine my surprise when I looked up and saw an old Black woman pressed up against her window blatantly and unapologetically glaring down at me, um disapprovingly? She looked pretty unreceptive when I spied her. I waved and she continued to leer. I shrugged and went back inside. FYI- YES granny, I DO live in the building, but thank you for your concern.*insert side eye* I'm guessing she's the resident neighborhood-watch skeezer, or perhaps geezer is more fitting. I'm starting to familiarize myself with my 'hood more and more. Colorful with a dash of seedy. Very Brooklynesque. I LIKE it. Not to mention the wine shop is a straight shot up the street along with a Jamaican bakery, a few bodegas and local markets. The weather has been relatively cooperative, so I've been out and about more. Spring seems like it's on the cusp of being sprung.

February 07, 2009

Splat

About a week or so ago, my queen-sized inflatable bed lost its juice and deflated. Much to my chagrin, I woke up on the floor. I literally had to rooll out of bed... or the remnants of what once was. Scrambling up and out proved irritating. I felt like I was in one of those inflatable bounce houses that kids frolic in at indoor playgrounds. Needless to say, I've been sleeping on a palate on the living room floor. This is the reality of my sleeping situation. Which isn't bad, but I didn't relish seeing a spider scramble from under my comforter when I woke up. Not a good look. Not the type of living creature I want to share my bed with. Fret not me, for pretty soon (hopefully within the next two weeks) I'll have a real king-sized bed to wallow around in, and a couch to boot! At no cost. It pays to have friends who need to part with items they no longer need.
Friday was a fun giggle fest. Despite not being as settled in as I'd like, I hosted a small, intimate gathering. Lots of drinking, trash talking, and conversation ensued... followed by a viewing of Pimps Up, Ho's Down: The Director's Cut. Despite how many may feel about this in-your-face documentary, there are a lot of pearls of wizdumb to live by. Women with low self-esteem beware. Economic times are tough, and while the Pimps Up... documentary was made approximately 10 years ago... they prey on the downtrodden and the disenchanted. Whatever you do, don't eyeball a pimp wrecklessly, lest you want to give up 10-15% of your earnings. 'Nuff said. The DVD skipped a few times, and the fact that I've watched it on the dozens was called to the table. I cannot tell a lie. It's one of my favorite discs to pull out. King James and Scorpio are pimps with hearts of pure gold.
On a completely different and unrelated note, despite what that disgusting and perplexed looking rodent they pull out of the ground dictates, I sense that Spring is on the horizon. I always feel anxious and wait with bated breath for Spring to arrive. I don't know what it is about this particular season, but I look forward to it every year. This winter has proved to be long, depressing, bitterly cold and unrelenting. I am literally begging for a reprieve. I want to put my little snowman away for the year. As far as dating prospects go, there aren't very many here. I've come to that sad conclusion. One may have to outsource for a man who acts like he has some sense and respectability. I'm leery and disappointed anytime anyone approaches me. I'm guessing the corny pick-up line with never die the slow death I'd like it to. The total lack of respect and originality makes me feel like I need to walk around strapped! Needless to say, the season in this cold city has been dry in that respect, but then again, I've been extremely preoccupied and uninterested. I'd be a liar if I said this didn't bother me to some degree.

September 03, 2008

Sooo...

... My dramatic ass was approved by the Condo Association. I got it. I got the condo. What a long ride. What a welcome belated born day gift.

August 23, 2008

Pondering

While I wait- (still)- to learn the fate of whether I'll be renting the cute condo I covet, a few random thoughts have crossed my mind. Firstly, as of a few days ago of my follow-up, the Cooooondo Assosheashon <-- (this is me being antagonistic and petty, because I'm anxious and hopeful)- is apparently "still processing" my application. Hmm, I wonder if they've even actually started that process, because considering it has taken the bulk of this month, I'm starting to wonder if I have a looong criminal rap sheet that I'm not aware of. Perhaps some miscreant has taken over my identity, and went on some sort of whirlwind crime spree. If this is the case, I wonder if this imaginary criminal has been caught, and if they have... I wonder if they're smiling with their eyes, in the mug shot???
The birthday is done and over. It was nice and it was plentiful. I'm officially 31, even though those of middle age scoff and still say, "you're just a baby." I beg to differ, but whatever. I've no desire to regress back to being a girl, and do fancy myself a still relatively youngish woman. Every year is a learning experience and imparts wisdom or something revelatory to my sanity and growth as a better person. Within the matter of a week, I've learned that it doesn't matter how old a person is, they enjoy wallowing in negativity and will shun anything that may contribute to their own growth. That some people need, look for, and find reasons to act malicious or petty. Ah, the beauty of being agitated for the briefest of brief moments in time right before deciding not to give a flying fuck.
Anydumbass, I've been mulling the possibility of taking on a second job. Something unconventional that will earn me a little extra pocket change. ... Something that'd keep me even more preoccupied while I inch my way ever so closely toward stability. I have to figure out what it could possibly be.
P.S. I swiped the "thinking woman" image from this website. I don't know who the artist is.