Coffee Rhetoric: booty
Showing posts with label booty. Show all posts
Showing posts with label booty. Show all posts

May 02, 2009

Casual Encounter

I love these random, casual encounters I come up against. Now, my friend says that I'm a"maneater" and a "temptress," who has left a trail of broken men leading from my door, but her opinion is born out of bitterness because she can no longer eat delicious cupcakes and cream sauces and I can. So her opinion is pretty much moot at this point and time and nothing can be further from the truth, but I digress.
I always find myself in the midst of foolishness. Whether it be a strange man wanting to take photos of my shoes to another insisting on removing his prosthetic foot at a trendy wine bar... I am a magnet when it comes to the bizarre.
This Friday was no exception. While leaving a diner, clutching a tasty pepperoni grinder, with peppers, lettuce, tomatoes, black olives, cheese, and mustard (former vegetarianism be damned)- a Mailman stepped back out of the way to let me pass (the aisle is narrow and my hips span across many nations and universes) however, I didn't think I needed that much space... but I thanked him anyway for letting me through.
"That's okay. I wanted to see how you looked anyway."
he said smugly. Both amused and annoyed, I hurried past and across the street back to work. Amazing. I am back on meat (for the past 3 years now) and am also a PIECE of meat to be appraised, judged, poked, and prodded. What clownery! Here's a thought... Instead of sidewalks and aisles, why not just make the landscape one, long catwalk for women to walk down... just to make things more convenient for you all? What a novel idea! (insert side-eye here). Men-beasts... you never cease to amaze this simple woman. The grinder was tasty by the way.

September 26, 2007

Slip into Something More Comfortable

*sigh* Ladeeeeeez.
I am well aware of the fact that many of us prefer to wear skirts and pretty figure flattering dresses, but nothing makes a dress more figure flattering then wearing a slip underneath. Oh yes. The concept of wearing a slip seems to be lost on many women these days. It should be as natural as slipping on a pair of panties or a bra-- but unfortunately it's not. Women of various ages will wear thin dresses and flimsy skirts sans lining and stand directly in the sunlight, putting their delicates, curds, and whey on display for all to see. Wearing a pair of red undies under your light colored broom skirt? Guess what? I can see that you are, and so can the rest of the general populace within eye-shot. I don't care what a woman's shape is or how fit (or unfit) she may be... watching ample amounts of fabric gather in the crack of some lady's butt-crack is not couth. Slips are pretty undergarments. They're delicate, they flatter every figure, and come in a wide variety of fabrics... You have sexy stretch slips that shape the body, and would mold your body to look killer under a wrap dress. You have the chemise, you have lacy slips, vintage slips, satin slips-- they span a wide spectrum. Not to mention they provide the female form with a nice silhouette and more importantly, allows the skirt to fall and move freely with the body without clinging and gathering in every nook and cranny. A slip is a novel concept. Plus they're dead sexy. Imagine sitting at home with a glass of red, lounging to some Thelonious Monk... luxuriating in a black number... the sex, no? Anyway, try one. Give the crack of your ass a break.

May 04, 2007

What the... ?

High waisted trousers are the "in" thing this season. I own two pairs, a navy blue, nautical/sailor pair with several buttons (which can be cumbersome when you're racing to get them undone to use the bog pan) and white pinstripes and a black pair with red pinstripes. Both are wide legged at the hem.
While straightening up my tiny, cramped closet this morning, I found them crammed in-between several black articles of clothing, and pulled them loose from their hangers. Excited I was, because I had forgotten all about them. I tried on the sailor style pair, and was pleased that they fit the same and made a mental note to wear them sometime next week. So I hung them where I wouldn't forget about them.
Next, I tried on the black pair with the red pinstripes. Um, those were a different story.
For whatever reason (chocolate? french bread? pasta? cheeses?), they were extremely tight around the hip, thigh, and butt areas and I could not, for the life of me, zip them all the way up. I tugged and I pulled. I laid down on the floo and pulled some more... alas, to no avail.
I was flummoxed, for I didn't understand why- (De-nial isn't just a river in Egypt apparently). I'm not one who obsesses over her weight, calories, the scale and such, and grow agitated by thin people who complain about their play-play fat, ad nauseum. I do try to consume whatever pleases me, in moderation and to keep the parts I've been dealt, looking as attractive and unslovenly as possible... I don't even know what my official weight or size are. My motto is: "if it fits and looks flattering, then I buy it and wear it." I've no desire to know such matters, because I don't want to stress over them. I've more important things to ponder... such as moisturization and exfoliation, who's going to win the 50 grand on VH1's Charm School, and whether Ugly Betty's dad will get a Visa to stay in the U.S. Moderation, health, avoiding morbid obesity, and staying active. That's all I care about.
While my weight fluctuates between the same 5 or 10 pounds, I've
also no desire to add excess to my already full, voluptuous frame, beyond that. So I was a bit bothered that I couldn't even zip my pants up. I wont even lie about that. Any excess flesh goes straight to my lower half... my hips expand, my behind gets even bigger, and... well, you know the rest... I'm fond of my full figure, most of the time, I really am, because it's proportionate, solid, and pear shaped... but I'm even fonder of those trousers. I think I over indulged this winter. I know this to be a fact. Of course I'd like to think I didn't, but those pants painted a telling portrait. Am I going on a diet? No. Will I join a gym? Riiight, like that's going to happen. Am I going on a chocolate and red wine hiatus? ... Oh HELL no! I simply need to revert back to portion control and be moderate. *sigh* And perhaps pass those trousers along, to my younger sister, whose hips are a little less comelier than mine are.