Coffee Rhetoric: Letters from the edge
Showing posts with label Letters from the edge. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Letters from the edge. Show all posts

October 31, 2011

They're Coming...

A snow storm in the middle of the FALL, trees have fallen... their large branches strewn all over the street, the bulk of the state of Connecticut has lost electricity and heat; and have been forced to huddle around candlelight whilst they eat beans and stew, emergency shelters have been set up, wires are down, yellow & red CAUTION tape is everywhere, folks are fighting at gas stations, children are shaking down the barista for Hallow's Eve candy... The Zombie Apocalypse is finally upon us...
What else could it be? What other explanation is there, that has chased me into this coffee house seeking warmth, coffee, and free electricity complete with WiFi?
Anyway, updated blog post coming soon, once I've been touched by electricity...

October 13, 2011

Coffee Buzz: When Hipsters Fail at Unity

This is one of the most brilliant articles and clever uses of an analogy, I've read recently. This guest-post on Racialicious emphatically explains why it's still NOT OKAY for so-called liberal, feminist, and "down" White women to use the word "Nigger." Anybody who's truly aware, wouldn't need to use it or be so gung-ho about having a reason to do so. Non? ... I think folks are spending all their common cents sense, buying into all of the insincere, post-racial b.s. the media is trying to sell them, in an attempt not have to deal with matters having to do with race. Please read it and raise your fist HERE. And be sure to pass it forward. 

May 17, 2011

Voted Least Likely To Matter

This morning while scanning my Twitter timeline, I noticed folks getting up-in-arms about something relevant I hadn't figured out yet so I scrolled down further, attempting to piece events together myself... and now I wish I hadn't. I promised myself I wouldn't wax philosophical about any articles or studies undermining my right to co-exist with everyone else on earth, but the most recent quasi-scientific study published by Psychology Today's and penned by evolutionary psychologist Satoshi Kanazawa, whose shtick seems to be to promote racial and gender stereotypes - (the article has since been removed due to the furor and utter ridiculousness of the evidence presented, I presume)- got my mind working and my fingers itching to get it over with and type this entry... perhaps in an attempt to speculate why this man (an obvious misogynist and bigot), continues to get money to conduct such drivel.
I'm no expert on evolutionary psychology, but I assume if conducted critically sans: bias, motive, a mostly Euro-centric view of how the world should function, or an antiquated belief system; it's helpful with studying human behavior and allowing us to acquire a better understanding of the myriad of cultures. Most people seem to agree that Kanazawa is incompetent at conducting research effectively sans bias and of understanding and objectively reporting on race and gender matters. In 2006, The London School of Economics found itself under fire after Kanazawa wrote a paper reporting that Africa's ills were due to low IQ rather than disease and poverty... that Africans were less intelligent than people in wealthier countries, which explains without a shadow of a doubt, why many suffer. Satoshi Kanazawa seems to be trying to resurrect the racist pseudoscience of Eugenics, so his attacks on anything female and non-European seem par for the course. This time the man sought to prove why Black women are less attractive than women who are White, Asian, and Native American women via Psychology Today. This one set the interwebs on fire... bloggers, Tweeters, forums, discussion boards, other psychologists and Toure X on MSNBC (why'd they defer to him?) sounded off. Satoshi used little charts and graphs to surmise the following (among other things):
 "It is very interesting to note that, even though black women are objectively less physically attractive than other women, black women (and men) subjectively consider themselves to be far more physically attractive than others."  
"... For example, because they have existed much longer in human evolutionary history, Africans have more mutations in their genomes than other races.  And the mutation loads significantly decrease physical attractiveness (because physical attractiveness is a measure of genetic and developmental health).  But since both black women and black men have higher mutation loads, it cannot explain why only blackwomen are less physically attractive, while black men are, if anything, more attractive."  
So forth and so on it goes. Apparently we're unattractive, mannish about the face, and are in denial about it, because we're somehow deluding ourselves into thinking we're anything but ugly.
Initially I was agitated and weighed in on Twitter and Facebook (the link on my wall generated some interesting comments, all varying degrees of outrage (funny, awe-struck, and angry). But realizing Kanazawa's propensity towards racist and partial research, my irritation subsided. I became more annoyed at Psychology Today for removing the article without explanation. As if they never made the decision to post it for all to read and get hyper over, to begin with (many people on comment boards questioned whether the article even existed). And while many well-intentioned men (mostly our brethren) suggested that there was an overreaction amongst the Black female masses, regaled us with compliments to placate our ire, then patronizingly (in just a few instances) advised Black women to "just ignore" the study for its obvious nonsensical findings, I think it's important to get to the root of why Black women continue to take a beating in the media as of late. Most of us are not seeking to have our looks validated ... I don't believe that is what incited many of us to sing a chorus of jeers, but rather, we're looking to be taken seriously and not marginalized as if we aren't relevant in the grand scheme of the landscape. Just like Black men are justified in feeling the same way about infractions against them, their livelihood, and very being. 
One commenter on a blog post regarding Psychology Today-gate said it best when she opined: "Its like black women have caught a case of the “leasts” ... Least likely to be married... Least likely to be taken seriously... Least likely to to NOT have AIDS …and now least likely to be even remotely cute..."
Even Black run blogs have gotten in on the action penning foolish articles about why we're supposedly losing to why we should covet or even care about Kate Middleton's induction via marriage, into The British Monarchy 
The dead horse has been exhumed and kicked repeatedly, making it an old and boring topic.. yes... but it's still annoying. If there's an issue or national crisis, Black women and people of color as a whole are always worked into random, negative equations whether we like it, did nothing to warrant negative press, or not. When does it eventually stop?
Read the Google Cached "study" here

March 26, 2011

Attack of The Social Networking Whingers

Histrionic Personality Disorder: Histrionic personality disorder is a condition in which people act in a very emotional and dramatic way that draws attention to themselves... This personality defect seems to affect a lot of users of social networking sites; especially Twitter and Facebook. Unhappy and angry at the world, and used to barreling their way through life with a dark cloud hovering over their heads... causing torrential downpours o'er top of others', the wonders and immediacy of social media has accelerated the impact in which many Negative Nellies and Neds can offend and annoy... almost ruining the experience for others simply trying to utilize the medium to connect, network, and just enjoy themselves. 
I've only recently started enjoying my Twitter timeline all over again, after avoiding my feed due to a number of assholes, narcissists, and jerks. They were at the top of the timeline... always... and the frequency of their vitriol seemed to saturate my feed, overriding the ones I actually enjoy reading. Their sanctimonious indignation as they criticized other people's updates or Tweets, notwithstanding the ridiculous randomness of their own. This post was a looong time coming, because quite frankly I'm fed up. 
The Whingers are projectors... whining at a rate faster than the speed of light. Perhaps they desire more followers and wish to be @'ed with more consistency, so rather than asking for more followers, simply deleting "friends" or unfollowing someone, they practically hold a press conference, complete with the pomp and circumstance of it all... ANNOUNCING how unworthy the social media masses are, of their rhetoric... perhaps hoping some poor soul will beg and plead not to be one of the ones on the chopping block... "Oh, I hope you won't unfollow me. I thought we were cool!" one misguided soul will probably try to reason, not seeing the public announcement for what it is... a cry for attention and validation, because anybody just looking to scale back will just do it
The Whingers rail against other people on their Facebook status updates for not showering them with praise and adoration or for not stopping what they're in the middle of doing to answer their instant messages, not keeping in mind that people may have a small window of opportunity to jump on quickly and then off before getting on with life... and so Whingers will make more idle threats but not before mentioning how brilliant they think they are or how they "keep it real" while everyone else is fake for not engaging their foolery and insults.    
Look, enough already! Social media, if used with enough savvy, can be a fun, beneficial, and enjoyable forum to utilize. I understand people are passionate about certain things and need to vent out loud. However, if you hate life and are just looking for attention, to bully and/or insult people because you're insecure, don't want to read what other people have to say because you think your word is the only one that's born, or to be a play-play celebrity/mover-n-shaker in your own mind, then you should probably abstain and stop making it an unpleasant experience for others. If you're a Whinger, love dishing it out sans being able to take it; keep in mind, you don't have the right to antagonize people using this medium just because you can't get a grasp on life. Perhaps a therapist's couch would be more fitting, just put a fork in it already and avoid collecting followers and other Facebookers if they annoy you so much. Just Tweet/update your Facebook status into an abyss of nothingness.  
That is all.           

March 16, 2011

Bus Tale: A Rant

Aside from rolling my eyes at those Negative Nellies and Neds curling up an upper lip to sneer at any number of downtown Hartford's positive steps towards improvement, I've noticed- (for a while now)- another trend amongst Connecticut's resident Hartford booers and hissers... Disdain towards people who take public transportation. While taking the T might seem like a normal occurrence for many a Bostonian and utilizing MTA is par for the course for most New Yorkers, I've found myself constantly needing to defend myself for choosing not to drive, to people from my home state... and why should I have to? I'm a product of the urban landscape and hopping a bus to get to school (especially after having missed the yellow bus) or to get wherever else I need to go has always been a normal part of my life. I've never needed to rely on anyone to take me anywhere I've ever wanted or needed to go. The moment people have noted me needing to dash off to catch the bus they automatically launch into a host of reasons why they can't offer me a ride... shuffling their feet as they express regret ; "Oh, I'd offer you a ride, but I need to go pick up my son/daughter" or "Sorry, I can't drive you, because I've gotta get to my Zumba class, plus I'm not going in that direction."  In which case (after a *blank stare*), I point out to them in a matter-of-fact tone, that I never asked them for one to begin with, much to their dismay... because after having been gently glove-slapped across the face, I've had those very same people DEMAND that I take a ride from them the following week or insist on knowing how I managed to find my way to some social event sans a car. And don't get me started on the dates that have ended on a sour note, because some jerk automatically assumes he'll have to become my personal chauffeur... Umm, really?? If they could be so lucky to be taken on what would make for an interesting and titillating ride ;-p 
One of the primary reasons why I think people here find taking the bus so repugnant has a lot to do with classism. Yes... I said it. Residents currently living or who have grown up outside Hartford's perimeter, in suburban and rural areas either move to Hartford or some equivalent CT city and embrace being able to utilize public transportation or they don't know the first thing about how mass transit functions at all and so will harbor and add to an already discriminatory attitude towards Hartford dwellers, for apparently not only are most of us niggers, spics, drug users, unworthy of happiness, insignificant, sad, incapable, gun toting thugs, uneducatedtrash or whatever other myriad of insults they hurl on the Courant comment boards and amongst their neighbors, but according to the memo (I must've purposely missed it), only CT's lower class/losers/minorities ride the bus, can't afford to drive a car, and are probably unemployed. No  self-respecting employed professional would ever dream of boarding a bus with the riff-raff *(drips with obvious sarcasm)*  EVERYONE should want to drive a car everywhere and MUST enjoy doing it.  It's impractical to take CT Transit. It's a lame system... Notwithstanding that it's still better than many other ones or even exists for that matter... it's still laaame! and so the foolery of the arguments go. 
Once while on a semi-date- (and after the schlub stopped blathering on about his visits to his therapist and how evil his ex-wife was)- I was asked, "What if your mother has an accident and needs to get to the hospital?" I reminded him that my sister lived close by, has a car, and generally most people would probably dial 911 in the event of an emergency. My answer was fruitless and unsatisfactory;  "How do you GET anywhere?" he kept demanding to know... "I get to where I WANT to go without incident. 9 times out of 10, I've no desire to frequent any rural parts of CT. What would be the point? What use would I have for Enfield or Wallingford... Is it hopping out there?" It went back and forth until I grew bored and until I discovered he grew up and still lived somewhere on the shoreline and drove into Hartford for work every morning. Made perfect sense. Not only was he a self-important ignoramus but he had no sense or concept as to how the metropolitan mind works. Furthermore, I opine that those CT residents who have the most contempt for the bus and people who ride it don't understand how to utilize the system and have never taken mass transit in their adult lives. That's my argument and I'm sticking to it. The sole point they try to argue is; that public transit riders are shit out of luck and can't navigate as easily. I say it's just the opposite. I can't count how many people I know, who actually LIVE within the boundaries of Hartford/Hartford County, panic when they're having car troubles. They'll convulse and explode into a sweaty, sticky mass as if they're in the throes of a sugar rush when faced with the prospect of needing to ride the bus... mostly because they don't know how to nor do they understand the way the schedule or routes function. 
Listen, if you want to drive everywhere, be my guest, but don't unfairly judge other people because they choose to bus (or bike) to work or wherever else. Contrary to popular belief, it's an extremely convenient and cost effective way to get around... waiting and all and many people do it because that's their preference. It's no more inconvenient than having to maintain the cost of having a car.  Whether you have faith in mass transit- (and yes sometimes hopping in a car can be convenient)- or not, it still would benefit car seat warmers to at least learn the system "In Case Shit" (© Chris Rock) happens. Not every bus taker needs or even wants a ride from you nor are people who choose to take advantage of public transportation in this state, poor, uneducated bottom feeders (I've seen how some of you act in the comfort of your cars when you think no one's paying attention...).  Rarely ever would you see or experience that level of stereotyping over taking the bus or subway in NYC or any other major city. At the end of the day, when your car gets totaled and you feel lost, confused, and discombobulated over not knowing how you'll get around... what does that make you? Rant over. 

October 12, 2010

The MIS-Mis-Education of Coffee Rhetoric

To Whom It May Concern
My days have been busy, moody... moody, busy, misunderstood, excited, dateless but excited about it, excited yet misunderstood... so forth and so on. My mood runs the gamut.... the myriad of emotions... it could also be due to hormones and PMS but I digress... I know this much is true; My disposition is at its worse when I feel trivialized or misunderstood. I've grown exasperated trying to over-explain my personal goals and what my social media endeavors are. If you get it, sweet... let's have a tête-à-tête, If you don't, then a Kanye-shrug for you and a plague o'er your home, for thinking I am the creator of illegitimate ideas... Le sigh, okay, I'm being a jerk, so a brief explanation for any and all interested parties, this one last time and this one last time only, because I like making worthwhile connections...
For those not in the know, I am a writer and am expounding on my use of social media-> my blog COFFEE RHETORIC ... to get my points and projects across to the masses. My goal is to parlay the modest success of my blog into an even more successful and lucrative freelance writing career. The powers of social media and the internet know no bounds and manifests itself in a variety of different ways for many different people... whether it be celebrity news blogs, politically charged blogs, or to promote activism. I hope to channel MY powers into expanding my SOCIAL MEDIA/WRITING BUSINESS ... which is called COFFEE RHETORIC, INC., which emphasizes culture, free thought, social issues, race, creativity, writing, and  all of the other artsy fartsy or hot button shit I love and most people consider snooty and/or touchy. That's what I love to write about, that's what I discuss with friends...So far this and one other blog/project is under the COFFEE RHETORIC umbrella. I love using this medium to encourage dialogue via the written word and visuals.
I've also grown quite fond of building relationships with new people both locally and beyond and espousing the positive, wonderful aspects of my city and its people... as well as the interesting personalities I come across in general. I like writing and spilling open about certain aspects of my life and experiences... as well as reporting on other interesting lives via my fledgling social media business, COFFEE RHETORIC... Inc. Which is why I've included a new feature on my blog COFFEE RHETORIC, I've entitled, Coffee Buzz. It's just as exciting, necessary, and informative as my Bus Tales, believe this, because I love sharing information, particularly if it's something that excites me or gives me great pleasure. What is there, not to understand? I want to work for myself, supporting myself, doing what I LOVE. At some point, my novela and other writing projects I've been nibbling away at forever will be published by a notable publishing company... or maybe (and preferably) independently via COFFEE RHETORIC, Inc. Some may still be confused or just don't get it... but it doesn't make my passion for this blog and writing any less significant, plus I've got business cards dammit. That is all. ...
X Oh X Oh
Coffey

September 03, 2010

Social Life

I've been sharing my quest to regain my footing ... to get back on track. To finally expunge ... to purge the last remnants of this year's shaky start that projectile vomited all over me, like a body in the throes of a demonic takeover.
Try as I might, I can't seem to move forward full speed ahead. There always seems to be some road block I can't push through. Some that refuses to open, when I ring its bell repeatedly. And so I am determined, more than ever, to kick doors in and make my presence known. While trying to wedge my foot in the proverbial 9- to-5 crack, I am still adamant about catapulting the Coffee Rhetoric brand to new heights in the process. I want to use this blog and all it entails, to create and gain new opportunities. I have noticed fellow writers who blog and just plain ol' bloggers, being offered opportunities from well known publications and being featured as media pundits and guest columnists in various magazines and newspapers. I definitely think I am qualified to get a piece of some of this action, and that it has been long overdue.  I put a lot of blood, sweat, and definitely a lot of tears into this project, and so I have been pounding the pavement (and a couple of drinks) even harder, in a bid to network, hand out cards, get to know those who know the right people who can get me writing gigs and who gives a damn about hungry, aspiring artists of sorts. I want the word to be spread like cream cheese on a toasted, whole wheat bagel. 
I must admit, I was offered the opportunity to take about five seconds of camera time, by a news crew while out. Perfect time to plug my blog! Alas, I was camera shy and shrunk away from the offer. While socializing with a newly acquired friend, I couldn't help but notice him throwing the word "socialite" around a lot. He mentioned that he fancies himself a "socialite." I told him that when I thought of the word "socialite" I had visions of rich people dancing in my head. "You don't have to be rich to be a socialite. I'm poor but I still consider myself one," he opined. "I know a lot of people, and have been able to network and get into a lot of cool events for free. And opportunities have come up," he continued. 
I considered this for a moment. I've been running it around in my head for a spell and realized this is exactly what I've been doing. Networking, being recognized slowly but surely by local people, many of whom are in the mix and established, being called by name when I attend happy hours and eating establishments for any networking or social events. I am a socialite dammit. This knowledge has prompted me to force my way in. I would love to finally be in a place where I don't need to be in someone's office unless I feel like it, dealing with some micro-managing, passive-aggressive voice of authority, who has no idea how to delegate, interact, and or the politics. I.want.in. 

July 17, 2010

Fatigued

It may seem like I've abandoned Coffee Rhetoric, but nothing can be further from the truth. In addition to brainstorming and exploring ways in which I can catapult this creative endeavor into something bigger, I am currently in the throes of life's trials and tribulations. Seems par for the course. Every year, a demon seems to crop up from underneath its moist rock to grapple with me. I slay in earnest. Life's ugly side seems to test the psyche and question whether one's intestinal fortitude is durable enough to triumph. ... I know this. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, so forth and so on. However, for once, I'd like things to be easy. As unrealistic and unattainable as that may be, I think I'm long overdue for a reprieve because I'm exhausted, coupled with intermittent moments of feeling frustrated, with a dash of anger. The anger I internalize. 
As a result, I'm blocked. I feel blocked in every aspect of the word... especially creatively and that is never good and it's not productive... but as usual, I fight the good fight. I've been proceeding with caution and have become somewhat solitary and reclusive, peeking out every now and again. Very introspective and extremely determined. This summer as been hot, and it has been long and sweltering... mirages.  
I deserve and demand a break though. ... That is my petition and I'm sticking to it. 

March 27, 2010

Le sigh

Sigh, sigh, sigh, sigh, sigh, sigh, squeezes eyes shut, sigh, rubs temples, sigh, sigh, opens mouth to say something, sigh, angrily swipes at eyes again, sigh, heavier sigh, sigh, sighs, sigh, sighed, can't stop sighing, mouth tenses up, sigh, sigh, sigh, what the hell?sigh, sigh, pulling it together, sigh, lifts back, sigh, sits up straight, sigh, blows nose for tenth time, sigh, curses, sigh, rolls eyes, sigh, FML, sigh, calls horrible names, ohmmm, sigh, ohmmmmm, sigh, sigh, gnashes teeth together, counts, ohmmms again and sigh. 
That's all I've got right now. 
To be continued... 

February 17, 2010

NOT.The.One

Dear Life,
Alright, I get it! My tenacity has rubbed you the wrong way.  In fact, my resilience has driven you to test me over and over and over again. Almost to the point that I feel as if I've become your official whipping post.  Now, I was emphatic about starting this new year off to a great start... all around. But alas, to no avail, because you're constantly picking on me. Don't you have any con artists and sketchy characters to teach a lesson?
It wasn't enough that you stomped on my fingers repeatedly while I was desperately hanging onto that window's ledge for leverage a couple of years ago, feet flailing beneath me... desperate for firm footing, because you wanted me to fall onto hard concrete... a broken heap. When that didn't work...when I managed to pull myself up and in... throbbing fingertips and all... you withered away, shrieking like an exorcised banshee... vowing to come back to kick my ass.
Listen, this latest kick to the gut and ribs left me rolling on the floor, clutching my sides in pain. I was not expecting that type of assault. So why continue the onslaught while I'm down? I'm struggling. Crawling. Dragging myself across the floor, in an effort to ward off your attack and stand back up, and you reeled back with your stiletto heel, pointed to perfection- (hey, Karmic bitches need to look fly too)- and administered one final, sharp kick. I thought that one would cause me to projectile vomit all the fight I had left in the pit of my stomach, all over the walls. I was able to choke it back down, however. I curled up in a fetal position to ward off your wild attack as best as I could... as you flailed your fists, shrieked, spat, and stomped like a petulant toddler. I'm still in shock... my ribs and sides are still quite sure from that last kick. But I was still able get back up... and stagger to a safe corner to plot my next move and get my bearings and second wind back.
I'm still mulling. I'm still plotting. A little defeated and bruised... but up and pondering my next move. 

xoxo
Coffey


February 03, 2010

Just Drive

I feel like I've reached an impasse. A never-ending maze with an elusive exit. So many decisions, so many things to nibble away at, but I'm completely deadlocked. People, places, and things never cease to perplex the hell out of me. And at times, it's overwhelming. I've had moments where I've attempted to check out, but alas, to no avail, because worries, my thoughts continue to plague me. I manage to be aloof in certain aspects of my life i.e., dating; wishy washy suitors, and an endless supply of assholes. In other aspects? Not so much; opportunities, my livelihood, my future. 
Ofttimes I think I have a dubious guardian, who loves toying with me and seeing me grapple with the worst luck! Or perhaps I'm an unwitting contestant in some twisted reality television program, where the masses are watching me wrestle and fight my way to the top. I don't know, but I continue to shadowbox. To bob, weave, sidestep... dance... twirl my way to what I feel is rightfully mine! I'm at a loss right now. I don't know how to plot my next move but I do know that I'm ready for my turn. I'm thinking. I'm pondering. I'm pissed. Intense game of mind play at work. Please do not disturb!
The fight continues. This is round 20.

January 06, 2010

I Wish You ILL

It's official--
The mechanics of dating and its games has made me cynical. I never thought I would say the dreaded 'C' word out loud, but I am Coffey So Finicky, evermore. The advice books by men geared toward single women (ahem, Steve Harvey) with dubious track records of their own. The bullshit, the nonsense, the flakiness, the obvious lying and disingenuous behavior... It seems to know no bounds. If I hear one more man whine about how his last experience... or how his best friend's friend got hustled by a golddigger, who needed $50,000 transferred to her account, before she peeled of her panties- as a way to justify is jerkery, I may need to sharpen my nails into angular points, and claw my(or his) eyes out. I've no sympathy for men who get "took" as it were. Because many of you have laid the groundwork for and choreographed this sort of shady adagio dance, between the sexes. Don't project your insecurities and obvious shallowness-gone-wrong, onto other women with good intentions.
Perhaps some women of my ilk are destined to stay single and live a life riddled with carpal tunnel syndrome and AA batteries. But sometimes, I think that alternative is well worth it... if only to side-step the nonsense and fuckery associated with dating... and all the "messy unnecessaries" it entails. And anyway, I'll always still have great hair and skin. That is all.

December 10, 2009

NOT The One

I recently stumbled across a few websites, such as this one (my personal fave), mocking ill-thought out and poorly written dating ads. Interest piqued, I decided to reactivate a couple of dormant accounts on free social/dating sites, and do some perusing (in the name of research) myself.
So many Dating Profiles for Dummies type articles are written and seemingly geared toward women, suggesting how we might be able to get better results, if we spruce our profiles up a certain way... to endear ourselves to the male populace, who're undoubtedly trolling for creme de coochie as opposed to "Finding that true one." (Let's keep it real. That's what most of them are on there for. AdultFriendFinder and Craigslist be damned). "Be sure to include several, recent FULL BODY shots." ... "Be coquettish and clever with your headlines. But never come off as desperate or needy. Use catch phrases such as "Lioness needs keeper" some of the experts suggest. Every other week the Yahoo! homepage features articles titled "His Top 10 Turn-offs" or "Dating Site Techniques Every Woman Should Know."
Plenty do's and don't's for women... as many wave their arm in the air, yelling, "Pick me! Pick me! I'm beautiful, charming, and all of my pictures are recent!!!"
Careful inspection has prompted me to flip the script and offer my wry and sardonic take on my Top Turn-offs, when I attempt to read through some of profiles of the opposite sex. I see a notable pattern amongst all of them. Which causes me great distress, because some things should appear to be fundamental for those who don't think they're infallible. My $1.10 worth is definitely worth a damn, because the forums are rife with trolls and men, bemoaning the fact that women won't reply to their messages... and how we're only there to play games and collect emails...How we're all "bitches" with "saggy tits" who have no right to reject their advances.
One common theme in a lot of the profiles I skimmed when prompted by an email or a "favorited" status, is men starting off with a cynical or negative slant to their profile... "I don't know why I'm doing this, but here goes..." many read. Others ***PUT AN ALL CAPS WARNING*** hugged tightly by asterisks, at the beginning of their longwinded, grammatically incorrect decrees, that explicitly outline who's eligible to message them or even look at their boring profiles. Take this lecture for instance- (abridged and shrunken in size because it was just soooo damn long and rambling...)
PLEASE READ through my WHOLE PROFILE, I took time to write this so I don't waste your time or mine... I know how trying dating can be so I wrote in detail for someone that really feels compatible.. I'm open minded, passionate, and affectionate. I'm a self starter who's not afraid to take chances to better myself financially and emotionally. Don't believe in revolving doors. Only interested in a progressive relationship with someone that is READY for a COMMITTED relation that shows some kind of PASSION or real INTEREST in building something long term. Been meeting to many women as of late that give me the sense that they don't want to take a chance. Instant gratification is a pipedream. Things need to progress into something. If you don't show that you care one way or the other, well, the person your dating is going to loose interest FAST. It's just the way life is... We've all been hurt in the past one way or the other.
Um, that was just the introduction... then he finally concludes by thanking the poor soul who bothered to read through all of his drivel, P.S.ing that he also has two cats he hopes won't cause an allergy outbreak.
This guy figured a little condescension would go well with his photo...
Here we go... :) Is it just me or is being single and meeting a down to earth woman who is independent and has values so hard that is is like having a second job!!! I am wondering if woman in this day and age appreciates a guy that works a 9-5 ,who is independent and doesn't ask or say give me,give me,giveme.......If you have kids I am sure you independent woman don't need a grown man to also claim as a dependant on your taxes :)...If I offended any of you woman that thrive to do that then I apologize.......Life is too short.......I have a good sense of humor ,like to go to concerts or even a nice day in park to take a walk and talk........Into going to the gym to work out and respect those who respect me......Not into drama.....Just an open-minded fella here who knows how to be a good listener but at the same time I not a pretty boy or a softy......I am educated but have a little street in my swagger.Don't worry I do know proper english when having a sophisticated conversation with one or more people lol........Where you independant woman at? Stop hiding and upgrade on your choice of men.......Start with me first though :) Even it it doesn't work out we can still be friends......Open to all races along as keep you yourself mind ,body and soul intact.....I enjoy the company of a open-minded woman who speaks her mind,a little sarcastic,aggressive at times,good sense of humor,likes to stay somewhat physically fit and has a certain aura about her that makes her sexy and stand out..........I can be a romantic too with the candles,cards bubble baths :) and flowers or just say something nice to put a smile on your face.....Oh yeah I don't take the greatest pics and trust me I look better in person...No games I keep it real.I also enjoy music and can dance pretty good lol......Somebody teach me some salsa,merengue or bachata :) if you happen to be a latina woman :) Listen I am not an angel but I am a good man and role model if you have kids.......Good guy just try to keep up with the bad boys....It seems like they taking all the good ,hard working woman..lol
And of course, there're the charmingly poetic emails such as this one...
Hello, I realize this may sound abit forward of me but here goes. I will be turning 51 shortly and I would really like to receive an oldfashioned. over the knee birthday spanking from someone. Please let me know whether or not you might be up to it. Sincerely, (insert name here)
So forth and so on. Long winded profiles, none of it ever mentioning anything about their personalities or interests.
Listen, it's not rocket science. If you expect women to respond to your inquiries, keep it brief and keep it realistic. Once you start getting responses, than you can pick and reject accordingly. No one is going to read through a whole edict. If you're perfect and sans any flaws, congratulations... Most other people aren't. Good luck not getting any feedback. Also, why sign up for a dating site if you aren't willing to provide at least ONE visual? "Message me for a picture" just doesn't cut it. Sorry.Yet you sit there, all bugeyed from behind your naked profile, leering at photos, commenting how "hot" someone's rack looks.
Let's go guys, damn!

December 08, 2009

Tentation

a hulking figure... completely cloaked in the anonymity of darkness, blocked the last remnants of the sun, which was already struggling against Winter's soulstice.
it extended an inky arm and casually placed it on my shoulder...
i stood silent, in a meditative state,
determined not to break my concentration...
ohhhhhmmmm
to no avail. at least during this round.
i wonder what would have happened had i caught the last remnants of the sun shower and drenched myself. if only I hadn't been distracted.
i'd be at one with my chi... i'd be writhing around, in a passionate embrace at the temple of my familiar, as opposed to drifting in a desolate matrix... caught between space, time, perception, and... time, trying to play catch up with my center.
i'm beginning to loathe the mechanics of time travel.

November 05, 2009

Save Your Own-damn-self

There's a certain type of man that agitates my gut, and causes it to gurgle with unpleasantness... making the pressure build up and hold my colon in its clutches with a vice-like grip. This type of guy orgasms and messes his drawers with creme de la man, when he thinks a woman is in great distress. He just can't bear to know that she'll be okay, and really doesn't want, desire, or need to confide in him, despite his constant pleas for her to do so...
This manly man has self-esteem issues of his own, and lest he obsesses over some woman who could care less about his prying, he can't thrive and feel good about himself. "I'm fine. My personal affairs are none of your business" usually generates a smug chuckle, and he interprets the response as combative and frustrated behavior. This type of character exists on different levels of the spectrum. Sometimes he relishes the thought of a woman having a bad day or a difficult spell and will shiver with pleasure... so he antagonizes and doles out unsolicited advice... patronizes because he's unhappy with himself, and thinks he's some sort of big shot who knows everything. He becomes even more antagonistic and self-satisfied in a desperate attempt to feel needed.. to feel superior. My theory is this type of guy was a big shot in high school and college, and is used to women giving a damn about his douchey behavior. Or that he may, quite possibly for certain, be a premature ejaculator and needs to feel adequate in some way.
He'll nibble, poke, and prod away like some mouse o'er top a hunk of cheese... a feeble attempt to break her resolve, until she crumbles into a crying heap, in his arms... as he rocks her and whispers know-it-all witticisms in her ear. This is what he's hoping will happen anyway. A regular limerent type, that one. With delusions of grandeur ... Might I suggest getting a life? It's not that serious. Regardless of how much you antagonize, patronize, and flex... you will remain insignificant in a universe known as Just Don't Give A Damn. You can be a tiny little satellite that orbits outside perimeter though.

October 02, 2009

Dear Juan (say it with the spit in the back of your throat),
While it was (not) somewhat of a pleasure meeting you at the bus stop last night, let me assure you, I have no interest in hanging out with you while your girlfriend is in the hospital, preparing to push out your seed.
Juan, propositioning a woman at the bus stop because you felt put upon for having to get your betrothed some jerk chicken at a nearby Jamaican restaurant and run various other errands for her, is the least you could do, considering she's indisposed and can't really do those things for herself. Also, the fact that she literally lives right down the street from me- a fact you so eloquently pointed out in addition to telling me you live in New Britain, are originally from Oakland, CA, and that you don't really know anybody from Hartford- is just not a good look.
I am unemployed Juan, and am desperately pounding the pavement so that I can get employed. I honestly don't need your girlfriend kicking in my front door, cursing me out on my voice mail, or whatever fallout that may result upon learning you're keeping company with me. Trust me, I do not want anymore annoyances in my life... especially of that sort. When I tried to reason with you, and tell you how asinine you sounded, you responded with: "It's not really that serious. We don't mesh well together. I'm hyper and she's more laid back and mellow. I'm bored, I need to have fun! Her ex-boyfriend is always calling her... even though she keeps telling him it's over."
Puzzled, I asked: "If it's not that serious, then why is she in the hospital about to have your baby?" "Yeah, well, she wanted a baby. I mean, we have another child... and we broke up, but it hasn't even been two months since we got back together and she got pregnant already, again!"
Since vomiting the lemon pound cake I ate prior to leaving my apartment, all over the front of your shirt wasn't really an option, I asked, "She got pregnant by herself?? TWICE? Fascinating!" Confused and slightly unsure you said, "Well, I mean, I got her pregnant, but she really wanted a baby, sooo... Can I just get your phone number? I'll just give you MINE then. I just need to kick it with someone and have some fun. I don't really know anybody around here. And she has me running all over the place getting jerk chicken and all this other stuff... I'm trying to take care of her business and mine too" you said, nodding towards the black duffle bag laying at your feet. Then you proceeded to ask me if I indulged in the chronic, if I had any children, and "Where're you headed now?? Do you drink? Can you call me tonight?" I blinked incredulously at you... Juan, none of these things are cool. They aren't sexy, and your approach is just... garbage. It was cute that you thought I was 25 years old though. I'm a firm believer in moisturizer. Anyway, that was THE ONLY charming thing that came out your mouth.
Please get your act together Juan. Juan get your life here! I hope I never run into you again.
xoxo Coffey

September 04, 2009

NOT. The. One.

As my ears are forced to listen to the torturous, auto-tuned enhanced song Mariah Carey warbles about Eminem (allegedly) being obsessed and upset with her- (the airwaves and media has been saturated with the contents of this song, one can't help hearing about it... even if one isn't even listening to the radio)- I'm left wondering; Why IS he so obsessed with her? Is his ego that fragile that he is incapable of letting go of an alleged fling that happened many moons ago? Is he so immature that he has to assassinate Mimi's character with lyrics that're asinine and borderline violent? Thanks to romantic and poetic songs such as Eminem's "Bagpipes of Baghdad" which prompted Mariah's "Obsessed" (he asked for it), which then bred Eminem's "Warning" as a response, the public (those of us who finds his misogynistic vitriol boring) gets to roll its eyes collectively.
Eminem's desperation and egocentric need to latch on to the past seems flagrantly obvious (to me anyway). And NO I'm not a Mariah Carey fan, NO I don't care about either of them, and YES I am late to the party featuring the adagio dance between these two, especially since the novelty of 'Obsessed' has all but worn off, but the issue serves as a good point of reference for the initial point of this post, so work with it, as it is somewhat reminiscent of a recent turn of events, and have left me wondering why some men (and women, I'm fair) can't seem to move on with their lives if a woman, as politely and delicately as she can, declines their advances, say they aren't interested in them, or say they're interested in or dating someone else. The world is saturated with millions of other available women who may be better looking, more charismatic, more witty, and more sexual, but because rejection is a hard pill to swallow for some, they obsess and antagonize the one who isn't interested in their companionship.
Listen, logging onto certain social networking sites to doggedly email, IM with ridiculous requests and questions, or agitate the object of your affection and calling yourself sneering with mocking & unfunny jokes, and bragging about your accolades so she realizes what she's giving up is NOT the way. Behavior like that is unbecoming. It's obnoxious, annoying, and it speaks volumes about one's self-importance and why you may (or may not, who knows?... who cares?) still be single to begin with. Rejection might cause one to experience a feeling of dejection however, everyone is NOT going to want you or care about your stature. Get over it. Life is too short... so moving on and exploring other dating prospects and more pertinent and worthwhile activities would seem to be the likeliest options.
Please get over yourself and stop with the antagonistic and obnoxious behavior. That is all.

July 04, 2009

It's Alive!!!!!

This past week, I have made valuable use of my time. I cut up some juicy and delicious fruit, I saw Corey Holcomb headline a comedy show, I hung out with a great friend, and I'm sorta doing some household projects... oh yes, and I'm looking for a new job because I got laid off Monday. Here's my word: Why is it when you're laid off, people retreat from you as if you have the damn Bubonic Plague or they tsk as if you're a charity case or on the cusp of needing anti-anxiety meds? Or they feel compelled to forward any and every job posting to you, not keeping in mind that you've got this?
I understand that people mean well, but I am doing remarkably well. I got laid off from a JOB. A job that wasn't my dream career. I'm being compensated for it, it happens to the best of us, I'm optimistic, and I truly believe in the old adage that when one door closes, a window opens someplace else. Perps, look around you! In case you haven't noticed, we're living in shaky economic times. It is happening universally. I'm not the only person in history who has been laid off. I am confident that even in these times, I will find a new job soon. I had been looking prior to learning that the organization I worked for was in dire financial trouble. I am not a charity case. I am not expecting anybody to pay for my drinks, look after me, or help me with my rent and bills, so you don't need to retreat or head for the hills. I'm not about to emotionally implode either so no need to avert your eyes away from me.
Oh, and if one more person says, "Awww, have you been looking? What are you looking for? You'll find something soon" I'm going to stick my finger down my throat and vomit on them. It has only been a week! Making me feel as if I should be feeling like a steaming hot piece of shit only makes you look ridiculous in my eyes. I have a caring family, who lives nearby and an awesome true blue so if I need to vent or need help with anything, I'm all set. Attempts at helping me and then questioning whether I know what exactly I want to do with my life is nothing short of condescending and rude. It's akin to kicking a person when they've stumbled and then holding your food against their throat while they're struggling to get up and dust themselves off to fight back. I know how this process works. You want to help me? Offer to provide me with a reference like other level-headed folks have already done. Treat me as you once did when I was employed. If you run across something you THINK I'd or would be a good fit... go ahead and forward it, but don't make it your personal mission to be my career counselor like I'm wayward and pathetic. It may be hard for some folks to wrap their mind around the fact that I'm doing great and that I am actually pounding the pavement, but that is my reality. I'm sorry if you haven't grasped that yet. And one other thing... you don't have to avoid me, because chances are I am stoked about never having to work with or interact with you again and you need to realize what climate we're living in. The folks that matter and who can appreciate how to network with me in a productive manner, have my contact information and know how to reach me (this includes those who want to hang out and have a great time as well). And to those who don't know how exactly to interact with me anymore... if I need your help or advice... I'll offer it to YOU.
That is all.

April 30, 2009

Bus Tales: Kindly Shut The Hell Up

Dear Ranting Woman on the 7:55 AM Farmington Ave/Downtown Bus:
Every morning, regardless of whether I want to hear it or not, when I board the bus I can always count on you to go off on some random, loud tirade about any number of topics. None of the dots seem to connect, no one pays attention or responds to you, but you sit there... loud and pretentious with your raggedy, discount bin Beauty Max wig on... hootin' and hollerin' about the minutia. Eyes bugged, mouth twisted as you "hmph" and "tsk" about welfare recipients, how you don't go to work to pay for lazy women who push out "baby after baby", what a great job you think former jailbird Governor John Rowland did implementing whichever program he deemed necessary, so forth and so on. What the hell are you on about lady???
Its barely 8AM in the morning! Many of us are caffeine deprived, harried from rushing out the front door, and chomping at the bit to get to work or to the nearest Starbucks so we can get some delicious, robust java in our systems. We are mentally trying to prepare ourselves for the busy workday ahead of us, but we can't concentrate on our thoughts because you're flapping your gob nonstop. You sit there with a book open on your lap, but never really focusing on its contents, as you run your pie hole about a bunch of trivial B.S. that none of us want to hear, so early in the morning. The banality of your ranting makes me feel uneasy, not to mention it irritates the hell out of everyone else. I saw that man sitting next to you, giving you the side-eye a few mornings ago. He couldn't scramble off of the bus fast enough, when it was his turn to get off. And what about the two women trying to carry on a convo betwixt and between one another, with their indoor voices? You just kept talking over them with your loud, obnoxious, deep monotone. A succession of doo-doo on top of stupidity. Interrupting them. They finally gave up and sat quietly for the remainder of the bus ride, their mouths in tight lines!
Two A.M.s ago, imagine my despair and annoyance when I couldn't untangle my effing ear plugs so I could drown you out with my music! This morning however, I made quick work of detangling and plugging in prior to the bus's arrival. I was ready for you! Lo and behold, as soon as I boarded, you started running your mouth and wagging your be-wigged head, talking about (to no one in particular): "I gotta try to put mahself in a good mood!! Gotta see if I can get in a GOOD MOOD this mornin'!" Lady PLEASE! My fingers could not push the volume button up quick enough to drown out your hot garbage. Also, riddle me this: Why sit there with a damn book open on your lap, if you have no intention of sitting quietly and reading, til your damn stop comes up?? Do you wake up in the morn, look at your dry, haggard reflection, and wonder aloud, "I need to figga out how I'm gon' annoy and disturb the bus passengers taday? What can I ramble on loudly about... Hm, let me see-eee" ???? Methinks you do.
Listen, shut the HELL up, because everytime you go proselytizing and preaching about whatever it is you deem necessary to yell about, you effing put ME in a bad mood, and I have to re-route and reshuffle my own thoughts prior to my arrival at work. I pity the fool co-worker who has be within earshot of your nonsense, because I'm sure your fuckery spills over off the bus and within the confines of your place of employment.
Shut it!
Thanks
xoxo
Coffey