Coffee Rhetoric: NOT The One

December 10, 2009

NOT The One

I recently stumbled across a few websites, such as this one (my personal fave), mocking ill-thought out and poorly written dating ads. Interest piqued, I decided to reactivate a couple of dormant accounts on free social/dating sites, and do some perusing (in the name of research) myself.
So many Dating Profiles for Dummies type articles are written and seemingly geared toward women, suggesting how we might be able to get better results, if we spruce our profiles up a certain way... to endear ourselves to the male populace, who're undoubtedly trolling for creme de coochie as opposed to "Finding that true one." (Let's keep it real. That's what most of them are on there for. AdultFriendFinder and Craigslist be damned). "Be sure to include several, recent FULL BODY shots." ... "Be coquettish and clever with your headlines. But never come off as desperate or needy. Use catch phrases such as "Lioness needs keeper" some of the experts suggest. Every other week the Yahoo! homepage features articles titled "His Top 10 Turn-offs" or "Dating Site Techniques Every Woman Should Know."
Plenty do's and don't's for women... as many wave their arm in the air, yelling, "Pick me! Pick me! I'm beautiful, charming, and all of my pictures are recent!!!"
Careful inspection has prompted me to flip the script and offer my wry and sardonic take on my Top Turn-offs, when I attempt to read through some of profiles of the opposite sex. I see a notable pattern amongst all of them. Which causes me great distress, because some things should appear to be fundamental for those who don't think they're infallible. My $1.10 worth is definitely worth a damn, because the forums are rife with trolls and men, bemoaning the fact that women won't reply to their messages... and how we're only there to play games and collect emails...How we're all "bitches" with "saggy tits" who have no right to reject their advances.
One common theme in a lot of the profiles I skimmed when prompted by an email or a "favorited" status, is men starting off with a cynical or negative slant to their profile... "I don't know why I'm doing this, but here goes..." many read. Others ***PUT AN ALL CAPS WARNING*** hugged tightly by asterisks, at the beginning of their longwinded, grammatically incorrect decrees, that explicitly outline who's eligible to message them or even look at their boring profiles. Take this lecture for instance- (abridged and shrunken in size because it was just soooo damn long and rambling...)
PLEASE READ through my WHOLE PROFILE, I took time to write this so I don't waste your time or mine... I know how trying dating can be so I wrote in detail for someone that really feels compatible.. I'm open minded, passionate, and affectionate. I'm a self starter who's not afraid to take chances to better myself financially and emotionally. Don't believe in revolving doors. Only interested in a progressive relationship with someone that is READY for a COMMITTED relation that shows some kind of PASSION or real INTEREST in building something long term. Been meeting to many women as of late that give me the sense that they don't want to take a chance. Instant gratification is a pipedream. Things need to progress into something. If you don't show that you care one way or the other, well, the person your dating is going to loose interest FAST. It's just the way life is... We've all been hurt in the past one way or the other.
Um, that was just the introduction... then he finally concludes by thanking the poor soul who bothered to read through all of his drivel, P.S.ing that he also has two cats he hopes won't cause an allergy outbreak.
This guy figured a little condescension would go well with his photo...
Here we go... :) Is it just me or is being single and meeting a down to earth woman who is independent and has values so hard that is is like having a second job!!! I am wondering if woman in this day and age appreciates a guy that works a 9-5 ,who is independent and doesn't ask or say give me,give me,giveme.......If you have kids I am sure you independent woman don't need a grown man to also claim as a dependant on your taxes :)...If I offended any of you woman that thrive to do that then I apologize.......Life is too short.......I have a good sense of humor ,like to go to concerts or even a nice day in park to take a walk and talk........Into going to the gym to work out and respect those who respect me......Not into drama.....Just an open-minded fella here who knows how to be a good listener but at the same time I not a pretty boy or a softy......I am educated but have a little street in my swagger.Don't worry I do know proper english when having a sophisticated conversation with one or more people lol........Where you independant woman at? Stop hiding and upgrade on your choice of men.......Start with me first though :) Even it it doesn't work out we can still be friends......Open to all races along as keep you yourself mind ,body and soul intact.....I enjoy the company of a open-minded woman who speaks her mind,a little sarcastic,aggressive at times,good sense of humor,likes to stay somewhat physically fit and has a certain aura about her that makes her sexy and stand out..........I can be a romantic too with the candles,cards bubble baths :) and flowers or just say something nice to put a smile on your face.....Oh yeah I don't take the greatest pics and trust me I look better in person...No games I keep it real.I also enjoy music and can dance pretty good lol......Somebody teach me some salsa,merengue or bachata :) if you happen to be a latina woman :) Listen I am not an angel but I am a good man and role model if you have kids.......Good guy just try to keep up with the bad boys....It seems like they taking all the good ,hard working woman..lol
And of course, there're the charmingly poetic emails such as this one...
Hello, I realize this may sound abit forward of me but here goes. I will be turning 51 shortly and I would really like to receive an oldfashioned. over the knee birthday spanking from someone. Please let me know whether or not you might be up to it. Sincerely, (insert name here)
So forth and so on. Long winded profiles, none of it ever mentioning anything about their personalities or interests.
Listen, it's not rocket science. If you expect women to respond to your inquiries, keep it brief and keep it realistic. Once you start getting responses, than you can pick and reject accordingly. No one is going to read through a whole edict. If you're perfect and sans any flaws, congratulations... Most other people aren't. Good luck not getting any feedback. Also, why sign up for a dating site if you aren't willing to provide at least ONE visual? "Message me for a picture" just doesn't cut it. Sorry.Yet you sit there, all bugeyed from behind your naked profile, leering at photos, commenting how "hot" someone's rack looks.
Let's go guys, damn!