I spent a good part of this Sunday afternoon dusting and straightening up my apartment. Minimal and relatively low maintenance chores they were, but they took forever to finish due to the Food Network playing in the background. Let me explain...
I began to remove all the sundry items and toiletries from the cabinet
underneath my sink, hoping to organize everything. Suddenly I heard moaning
sounds of pleasure playing in the next room...
I quickly abandoned my toiletries on the bathroom floor and ran into the
next room to see the source of the passionate sounds.
"Mmmmm, oh my god! The sweetness of the pear, combined with the sharpness of the gorgonzola cheese and the saltiness of the prosciutto is delicious. Mmmmmm
so goo-ood" 
Giada moaned in-between bites. I was enthralled and couldn't turn away, as I watched the camera close in on Giada's mouth, and then pan up to her closed eyes... she was in ecstacy, seemingly, as she moaned some more. A brief thank you for watching Everyday Italian followed, and this concluded the show. I snapped out of my reverie, shook my head, and returned to my project in the bathroom. I focused on lining everything up, neatly as I returned toiletries to the cabinet and discarded half empty containers. Suddenly I heard a robust British accent proclaim,
"... I like mine a little liquidy and gooey in the center..."
I dropped the items I held in my hands, on the floor and ran back in... yet again, to see who was talking dirty this time... It was
Nigella Lawson, in all her voluptuous and pouty mouthed glory, whipping up some egg concoction with a whisk, in a stainless steel bowl. Her wrists were working at a feverish pace, as she expertly blended the ingredients together. I stood there, with a bad case of '
O' mouth as I watched her wrists work... and then I cursed myself for getting caught up in the rapture, yet again and returned to neatening up my bathroom cabinet.
"... That's why I like to order the medium size, so I can put the whole
thing in my mouth! Mmmm *insert sucking sound
here* Mmmm... sooo good, and meaty!"
What the eff??? There I went, running, once again to find Giada at some seafood hotspot on South Beach, sucking the meat off of a lobster's claw. My cell phone rang, but i ignored it, and watched Giada molest her lobster claw, and then dig into a freshly made keylime pie. Moaning over the tangy-ness of the fresh lime juice and the flakiness of the pie's crust. What a total exhibitionist! Giada sat there, pleasuring her palate in plain site of other restaurant patrons. The message tone beeped twice on my phone, I cursed myself again, and went back to my neglected toiletries strewn all over the bathroom floor.
Focus. Focused. I was almost done and then I heard a man's voice utter the following...
"... so shiny..." I refused to go see. I wont take the bait!
"...sooo creamy..." Nope I wont do it. I'm not listening! La la la la laaaa!
"...so waaarm..." Uh uh, nope.
"We like to push the envelope..." Got. to. finish.
"... it comes late, not right away..." Eff you Food Network!!
"... can't wait to taste that spicy chocolate..." So??
and then... "Ohhh my god! Look at the tenderness of that shank! Mmmmm..." NO!
"Ohhhhh... uhhhhh... look at how WET it is from that orang
e glaze..." I dropped the Dove deodorant on the floor, and ran like a weakling, to see! I found the creator of decadent southern cuisine, Paula Deen's two adult sons, and some restauranteur, pulling a train on a ginger cake... slowly dipping their forks into the moist dessert, and then methodically bringing it to their mouths and slowly pulling their forks back out... "Mmmm, oh my god, this is deeelicious..." they moaned in their southern accents. I gasped, clamped my hand over my mouth, and my face flushed hot. This was ridiculous. Either Food Network was teetering on teh brink of smut or I was in desperate need of a gourmet meal and a boyfriend!
12 comments
Thanks for posting the tart recipe link... I'm so gonna cum, er, enjoy making it.
So THAT is why it was so hard to reach you the other day! hahahahaha
Food is so sexy and I'm so glad that there's a network devoted to letting us ooooohhhhh and ahhhhhhh over it...
;) Cat
How about a boyfriend who is a gourmet cook? Hmmmmm? Food can be so very sensual. Oh yes, I moan and groan over mine quite often.
Lovely...I'll never look at Food Network quite the same again.
I noticed the tv chef porno connection as well. It disgusts me...but I can't turn away.
I LOOVE!! the food network.
nothing like good food, good wine, and good sex. lol
I know food can be sensual and all that, and I do so love cooking and eating, but I kind of get grossed out when other people do. mean of me, but I can't help it. my pet peeve is actually eating noises. blech.
@Prico: I'm sure you'll enjoy CUM ummm... making and then eating this delicious sounding tart... tee hee.
@Cat: Food is indeed sexy. Too sexy for my own good. hahaha.
Sometimes, I avoid your phone calls, because the pain of having to chat with you is just too much. hahahahaha. Juuuuuust joking! hahahahaha.
@Jessucka: A boyfriend who's a gourmet cook?? What a thought. I salivate greedily at the notion of BOTH.
@Anonymous: Bre I KNOW that's you. I recognize that dry attitude anywhere!
@Amadeo: ... now you understand my fascination. lol.
@Bloody Whore: I second those emotions! Esp. @ the wine and sex part.
@Alosha: How should one eat around you? hahahaha.
now now I'm all for eating :) I just hate people who smack and slurp a lot, or esepcially talk with their mouth full. I even annoy myself when I eat cereal. it sounds gross LOL.
yep...I saw these. I was planted firmly on the couch eating hagen daas when these shows were on. I wrote down the recipe for the torte.
@Alosha: I know hon' I was just teasing. I hate piss poor table manners and smacking, slurping all the bit whilst masticating food as well.
@Pookie Sixx: You probably didn't read into that day's programming the same way I did. Me thinks I may be a closet perv. lol.
Post was hilarious, sis. I figured you might enjoy the British store Marks and Spencer's sensual ad campaign: lighted, slow-photographed, and voiced-over. Only one of them is on YouTube, but there are probably more via Google.
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