Coffee Rhetoric

September 14, 2005

...because 2 Fridays ago, while I was at BestBuy purchasing some batteries, and a new pair of headphones, the cashier named Antoine asked, if I would ever, "consider dating a younger man." The bitter woman (me) in the oversized shades stared through him, incredulously, in midsign of my receipt. Pen hovering above the signature line. "Are you serious, man??" I asked. "Do you usually solicit women standing in line??" Antoine shook his head. After some thought, lil brother had the unmitigated gall to say, "I've dated women older than you." At once, curious as to how much older and feeling somewhat insulted, I retorted, "Oh yeah, how much older?" "33" says Antoine. "Hm, how'd that work out for you, um, Antoine??" I said, sarcastically, as I leaned over slightly to read his name tag. "It went good, but unfortunately, she moved away" Antoine answered back, matter-of-factly "Man, you don't even know how old I am!" I spat at him... conscious of the line accumulating behind me. A curt shrug, and then Antoine said, " Anyway, give it a try, if it doesn't work out, we can call it off" he opined. At that, I reached across the counter, gently but firmly snatched my purchases out of his hand, mumbled, "have a nice day" and stomped out of the store. Oh, but it gets better, my dear readers, because only in the land of Coffey0072, do these things happen. Hm, let's see, I was on the bus this past Tuesday, riding with the usual suspects. Butch Kassidy (B.K. = >a very dikey lesbo? who rides my bus most mornings) chatted with me, like she has taken to doing recently, about this and that. She of dreadlocks and rough and tumble demeanor. I think I mentioned her briefly in an earlier post, entitled, Bus Tales, anyway, B.K. asked me how my birthday went, since she hadn't been on the bus for about 2 weeks. I told her it was quiet, but productive. I mentioned to her that a trip to Provincetown had been postponed and that about a week 1/2 ago, after my birthday had passed, my best friend Cat, came up to visit. "Why don't she just move up here to be with you?" remarks B.K. Confused, I said, "Um, why would she?" "Is she your friend-friend, or your um, friiieeend?" asked B.K. wryly. "NO," I remarked quickly, "She's my best friend, like from college." "Oh. Is she femme like you?" asked a curious B.K. "Huh?" I answered, flummoxed, because you see, I don't speak Lesbianese, so these terms get lost on me. "Femme" she said, repeatedly, almost confused as to why I didn't speak her language fluently. "Um, you mean like girly?" I asked, starting to wriggle uncomfortably in my seat as she sat in front of me, turned around in her seat, eyeing me intently now. "Yeah" says she, matter-of-factly. "Um, yeah, I um, guess" says I. "You ever been to Provincetown before?" she asked me. "No, but my friend has. She says it's great. Have you?" B.K. nods. "You see, we're fond of the gays." I said diplomatically. I didn't feel comfortable remarking loudly on the bus that Cat and I were fledgling fag-hags. "I KNEW IT!" she exclaimed. "Provincetown is great! You'll love it!" Now at this point, I don't know how B.K. had absorbed what I'd just told her, over the bus' loud engine and whirring air-conditioner... but I have a feeling she heard "out gays" or something along those lines, for she became a tad too excited, for my taste.. saying how we should, "hang out." At that point, she started ticking off a long list of what I suspected to be alternative hotspots- (Gotham City? C'mon. Sounds like a place where women meet women to me.)- asking me if I'd been. "No.... no... no..." I answered down the list. "You don't go out, do you?" asked B.K. "Um, yeah, but to certain places", I answered carefully. With that, B.K. departed, lamenting about never having enough time to chat with me accordingly. Later on, I called Cat, and asked her if lesbians also vacayed in Provincetown. "Yes" she said, "and they wear jeans that make their booties look flat." This she relayed to me after laughing about my possibly getting cruised by B.K. sigh... 28 is getting weirder and weirder. I wont even relay how another lil bro tried to pick me up at the supermercado as I tried to buy a lb. of Wild Atlantic Salmon. Needless to say, Monday's bus ride ought to be quite interesting. (insert Twilight Zone theme here) fade to black...