Coffee Rhetoric: ... and the Snark-y Award for Worst Sex on Screen goes to...

May 11, 2005

... and the Snark-y Award for Worst Sex on Screen goes to...

I like movie sex- (whether simulated or real....> thank you Catherine Breillat and Michael Winterbottom)- more than the next pervert. I like them trashy, tasteful, and erotic all at once. Anything less than an NC-17 rating for me just wont suffice, PG-13 be damned. Regardless of what the MPAA decides to slap a movie with, I cannot stand watching horrible sex scenes on film. Seeing such tripe makes me feel cheated and chagrined. Pondering such matters has led me to compose a list of the worst on-screen sex scenes I have ever watched. Feel free to lend me your feedback on any others that turned you off and made your sex organs go soft like a fresh batch of Gummi Worms. Twentynine Palms The sex scenes in this movie left me feeling befuddled, ill, sore, and well... angry. I've seen everything sexual that Bruno Dumont has to offer in his films and none of it is good, unfortunately. Watching an emaciated Katerina Golubeva and Perry Farrell twin, David Wissack have primal, unattractive, dry, unromantic sex was just such a turn off. The labored breathing, the dry slip-slapping of two bony bodies against a rock in the desert heat only to hear Katerina whisper softly in a thick Eastern European accent, to her paramour "I'm too dry my love" to which he grunted in reply, "My legs hurt anyway" made me want to stop this train wreck of a movie immediately, yet, I couldn't turn away. It just got increasingly worse. David, yelling "ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" at the top of his lungs in orgasm during a BJ as Katya's face slapped violently against his crotch, David screaming, "ahhhhhhhhhhhhhKAAATYYYYAAAAA!!!!!" during an equally as violent sex scene in the motel... yes, it does indeed get worse. Monster's Ball *sigh* What else to say other than, watching Halle and Billy Bob hit the floor of his ramshackle living living room made me cringe. It was raw and just not that passionate. Some say this was Halle's best performance... I beg to differ, but this is a moot point when one considers Cat Woman, but I digress. Anyway, nothing about that scene made me "feel goooood" and I haven't watched it since. Fat Girl (or A Ma Soeur) While the sex scene wasn't shown, the whole scenario was disturbing nevertheless. Seeing Italian lothario, Libero de Rienzo seduce and manipulate the naive and lolitaesque Roxane Mesquida into having anal sex because "all the girls are doing it to preserve their virginity" was sad and smarmy. Hearing her guttural cries of discomfort and pain as her portly and less attractive younger sister watched from the other bed still bothers me even now. Leave it to Catherine Breillat to shock and dismay. La vie de Jésus (The Life of Jesus) Another eccentric film from Bruno Dumont. Where do I start? Bailleul, France ruffians... toothless, angry, and with a proclivity of being shiftless and violent towards the town's resident Arabs. The movie's primary offender sits around aimlessly with his buddies and on occassion has graphic, ugly, stank-looking sex with his girlfriend. Not a pretty sight. Lifestyle: Swinging in America I rented this documentary via Netflix hoping to learn why people swing outside their marriages, but was presented with a picture replete with middle-aged, wrinkly, saggy, liverspotted marrieds gang-banging and walking around sans clothes. They sit around at pool parties and conventions in all their nude glory, shooting the shit, fondling one another's wives and husbands and such. Yes, I watched this horrible spectacle in its entirety... but then I started to feel bad that grandmas and dirty daddies were getting it on gangland style, while I merely watched like a sad, unsexed voyeur. L'Humanité Bruno Dumont is 3 for 3. This man clearly dislikes sex and goes out of his way to make it look as unattractive and as skanky as he can. Romance Another (unsimulated and very real) offering from Catherine Breillat. An arthouse classic. This time feature Italian porn meister Rocco Siffredi and waifish French actress Caroline Ducey. Rocco looks good and bronzed in all his 8-inch glory. Caroline on the other hand, looks pale, skinny, limp, and uncomfortable... as if she is in the midst of a gynecological quagmire. Listening to Caroline maunder on about pointed dicks and what have you while Rocco stares at her blankly, probably not understanding anything beyond the French he had to learn for his 2 or 3 lines, doesn't make for good pre-sex chatter either. If anybody reading this happens upon this film for the first time, block Ms. Ducey out and focus on Rocco when this scene comes up. He's got wicked undulation skills. Angel Heart Seeing blood cascading from the ceiling or wherever the hell it's coming from while Lisa Bonet and Mickey Rourke go at it, ain't my idea of romance. Not a good idea and very messy. There you have it. My nominees for the worst sex scenes I've ever bore witness to.